Te-Erika’s Diary: The Temporary Me

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Today I was at McArthur Park. Sorry I didn’t take any pictures. I left my phone at home because sometimes I like to disconnect myself. Anyway. I went to the park and sat down among the families there. I watched them talking, laughing, eating icecream, enjoying the sun. I watched them all together, smiling and just enjoying life. I looked at the brown faces, the Spanish people, the Asian people. There were a couple of Blacks peppered in there too.

I took a good look at all of them and really immersed myself in the experience. I noticed how blue the sky was. I noticed the palm trees. I looked at the lake. I watched the people gather for church. I smiled at the kids chasing each other. I did all of this special type of ‘noticing’ because I know in my heart that this isn’t the end of the road for me. This is temporary. One day this will all be a memory.

I even took a few moments to remember when my reality included 4th street in Long Beach. I took a moment to remember when my reality included North Hollywood and taking cabs to the grocery store. I took a moment and remembered how I would walk down Hollywood Blvd everyday to go to work. All of that was temporary. Ever single experience. Every face I have met in the past 5 years has been a temporary face too. Can you imagine what it is like to meet people KNOWING that they are only in your life temporarily? I’ve known for 5 years or so. I always know. No one belongs to me. Nothing belongs to me. I meet people and then they are gone. No friendships. No love. No attachments. No connections. Every single meeting is like a puff of smoke.

It’s crazy because my life usually shifts because of a loss. That loss leads me to my next destination. I go willingly because I am used to loss being the transitional cue in my life. One day I hope my transition is led by progress. One day I hope that I’m moving forward instead of battling or reacting to a loss. But even then- with this crazy lifestyle I’ve developed- even if things got ridiculously progressive for me, I’d probably still look at things as though they are temporary.

Because everything is. Nothing belongs to me. No one is here to stay. Nothing is promised to me. And I’m not sad when I think this way. I just understand it.

Signed, Temporary Te-Erika

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