Hello Miss Patterson,
I just came across some of your videos on YouTube. I think you are are absolutely amazing. Your ideologies and character are similar to mine which made me feel very refreshed. I also wanted to know if you could give me some much needed advice.
I have a weakness (one of many but I try to front like I have none :-)) in handling passive aggressive people. In the past I would do the fake laugh thing to just get them out of my face while still keeping the peace. I found that I am only left with feeling frustrated and constantly role playing what I should have said in order to be more assertive so the person would know that it was not okay to say what they said to me. I am aware that every situation is different but what are some ways I can handle it or how should I handle it?
In the past I would pop off or come off too abrasive earning me an annoying reputation of being “crazy.” I find that this label for me hurts me because I only react this way towards people who are rude, inconsiderate, sneaky, but my top two are a THIEF and LIAR. Can you please help me? Thank you in advance Miss Patterson. Your very inspiring and hope that we can chat sometime.
I see what the issue is here. You have a feeling that certain people are out to hurt you with their words and you become upset with yourself when you can not respond back in a way that stops them from doing it again. When you do have the quick witted ability to return their abrasiveness you are viewed as ‘crazy’ for lashing out.
I am often on the other side of the spectrum. My words often hurt others because I lack tact and I became used to being criticized by others in my life so I developed a habit of seeing things I should criticize in others. In order to fully remedy this problem, you’ll first have to take the time to try to understand the people who say hurtful things.
Why does anyone say something intentionally to hurt you? The number one reason is because they are hurting and want you to feel the same way so they won’t be alone in their misery. Think about how when you are in a good mood, you tell others jokes or smile at them because you want to share your joy. People who are hurting and angry do the same thing.
Some people also offer insults because they are being creative and trying to be funny. I experience this as a part of being in a roast group on Facebook. This might help you to overcome your fear of harsh words. When you join a roast group, the purpose is to insult each other and learn to laugh about it instead of being offended.
Now that you can SEE behind the behavior it is time to look at yourself behind the veil of being a victim of other’s insults and words. Why do their words sting so much? Why does their opinion matter?
I used to become so irritated by people who were mean to me until I realized that my PERCEPTION of the meaning of their words were what was really causing the problem. Some people, like myself, tend to use pseudo-insults as a means of joking around. If my friends didn’t “get it” then I would have no friends.
To make a long story, shorter, you don’t have to change anything about the people around you. You must learn to change the way you view their comments. Instead of being angry that you couldn’t set them straight or cut them down with your own witty response, if you feel someone is insulting you, feel sorry for them because they are hurting, smile and remove yourself from the situation or respond to any insult someone says with- You need a tic tac.
You don’t have to WIN when it comes to who is being more abusive. If someone says something that stings, ask yourself why their opinion matters more than your own. Then ask yourself, “What is the truth?” If you know the truth of who you are, you should never allow anyone to challenge it. Their opinions don’t matter. They don’t.
Your opinion matters most, young lady. Who are you? You decide. Anyone who says anything different, is lieing to you and should be ignored. Your power over the situation is in your poise. When you allow someone to upset you with their words or cause you to lash out you are handing them the remote control for your life. Once they realize they have this power, they will use it at will just so they will feel good about themselves.
Take your power back! Relax. Allow people to show you who they are, and choose not to be offended simply because no one can offend you unless you think they are more important than you are.
All my best!
Send questions to advice[at]mysavvysisters[dot]com.