So, I’m relatively new in Los Angeles, I have social anxiety and I don’t trust anyone, especially men. Of course when I feel the need for some sexual friction I do what every other red blooded American male would do- Craigslist.
No, I’m not a man but I think like one most times and I’m not above meeting up for a hook up. I have no plans to get married and I rarely meet anyone I can have a conversation with without thinking, “You’re fucking annoying and stupid.”
So I placed my ad. It read something like: Curvy Single Black Female Wants To Laugh Tonight. I try to use the word CURVY somewhere in my ads (yes, I said plural, I do this every 4 months if necessary, sometimes I get lucky) because I don’t want the dude to think I am skinny because I’m not.
In this ad, I said I was a weirdo with no friends and I can barely hold a conversation properly but people think I’m cute. I said I was not into meeting anyone for a hook-up (LIES) but that I might consider it if the guy was superfine and made me laugh. I asked for a man who appreciates the beauty of a Black woman and wrote that I preferred Black men.
I received a dozen responses but one stuck out. He seemed sincere and he made me laugh so I asked for a picture. When he sent the photo the note read:
I know you were looking for a Black man but I thought I’d try anyway.
I raised my eyebrow, laughed to myself and then quickly wrote him back:
What were you hoping for tonight?
He wrote me back:
I was hoping you would think I was superfine and that I could make you laugh.
Actually. I liked that reply a fucking LOT. He wants a hook up too. How wrong yet so damn RIGHT and so BAD and WRONG and fucked up. I LOVE IT!
So of course I told him there was no way I would ever be attracted to a white guy. He wrote back saying he was glad I even entertained him and to have a good night.
Aggressive, straight-forward but not pushy? I really liked that! My inner being began to tingle (AKA My loins) and I wrote him back asking if we could meet up with no expectations.
“We can check out women together,” I wrote. “I like girls too.”
He said SURE and suggested a place, a small vodka bar in Downtown LA called Silo. I told him I would wear a black dress, my favorite black dress that I’ve had since I was 18 and still magically fits.
So I gave him a time to meet and got dressed. I’m always early so I stood outside for a few minutes taking in the downtown LA scenery.
It was A Saturday night, perfect weather and there were two cute women standing outside talking. One was extremely tall with a spiked hairdo and the other was short with curls. The taller one said loudly, “I wish they wouldn’t immediately assume I like girls.”
I smiled and stepped a little closer to them, hoping they’d see me. They didn’t. I decided to go inside and check the place out and I felt like I was in a scene from a TV show. Since I’ve actually been in a bar scene on a TV show I know what I’m talking about people.
No one spoke to me or paid me any attention which was great and I floated around looking at people and decided to wait downstairs for him to arrive. Oh, his name is Mike.
So I’m sitting there on a stool just being happy in my own little world thinking if he doesn’t show up, like most flaky ass LA people who never do what they say they are going to do, I’ll probably still have a great time since I absolutely LOVE my own company more than anyone else’s.
Just as I had that thought he walked in. I could tell it was him because he came right up to me and said, “You’re sitting in the corner? So why don’t you have any friends?”
I thought that was a rude way to introduce himself to me but I shrugged it off and stood up and gave him a hug. He was short. I mean, so short that he should have mentioned that because I know plenty of women who would laugh at him and leave him on the spot for being that short. I am not that type because I am only 5’2″ so I like short guys, you can ride them better when they’re sitting on a chair.
They were doing vodka tastings upstairs and I mentioned it to him and asked if he had done it before. He said he had, but not here and he was willing to do it again. We walked upstairs together and sat at the bar waiting for a waitress to give us a private vodka tasting session. As we waited he leaned in and started talking to me like it was just- easy.
He made me laugh so much. He tickled my heart. I know in my ad I said I wanted to laugh but dayum Universe, you really sent a comedian my way.
He was like:
So I did all of my laundry today. It’s okay if I mix everything together, right? I mean the lights and the darks won’t die if they touch each other. Nothing MAJOR is going to happen. Right?
So yeah, my parents live one town away from me. I think they hate each other after 55 years of marriage but I guess by that point, anyone would hate each other.
Look at that girl, she looks like she’s wearing a Halloween costume.
After I pointed out a woman with a nice ass, he said. Yeah, she has a nice ass, but that’s too much ass for me.
You can’t handle that? I asked him. He shook his head.
When the waitress finally came over, she handed up big coats and we were led into a giant freezer filled with vodka bottles. The freezer was set to 28 degrees and there was one table in the middle of the room where we stood and she told us about the different vodkas and she recommended a couple to me and I tried them. One tasted like cinnamon rolls, another tasted like strawberry shortcake and the third (at his insistence) tasted like a latte’.
He tried more manly vodkas that were on the higher shelves and he enjoyed 2 out of 3. The entire time we’re in there he is cracking me up because he’s acting like we didn’t just meet each other 20 minutes before that. He’s really pouring it on acting like we were a couple and it was so funny trying to play off of what he was saying and doing.
When we were done we found a spot upstairs near the window and we just talked. I asked him about his career and he revealed that he was a detective with the LAPD. I asked for his badge and he laughed and said his badge was with his uniform but he showed me his ID and he was carrying a gun.
To my surprise and delight he was agnostic, ambivalent about religion and averse to taking a strong viewpoint on politics although he was a registered Republican.
We talked about the bankruptcy in Detroit, his MANY Black ex girlfriends and why he loved Black women so much.
I danced and invited him to dance with me and he tried. I told him to sit down on a stool and I danced on his lap, gyrating my hips and grinding against him as his hands moved up and down my legs. I liked that shit.
Before I knew what happened, his short ass stood up and kissed me. It was nice. It’s been so long. I kissed him back and we hugged for a little while.
I thought to myself, “I am going to screw the hell out of this white boy.”
But I put that thought aside because I wanted to do some more dancing. I love to dance and more than that, I love dancing by myself with no pressure from anyone. He ordered us an appetizer and I ate some of it, and then I told him I was tired and wanted to leave. He offered me a ride home, which I accepted and we walked back to the parking lot as he described how there were hot lesbians in the bar and they were checking me out.
I don’t believe him to this day because I didn’t notice anyone looking at me but he says they were and they didn’t care that he was there. He said so many nice things to make me smile that I figured his ass was a phony ass player who was used to knowing what to say to get some Black pussy.
As we rounded the corner to my building I saw him smile over at me. The entire drive there he was rubbing my hand and smiling.
As he parked I asked him what he was doing and he said, “I’m being a gentleman and walking you to your door.”
I laughed, allowed him to walk me to my front gate and gave him a hug. He looked at me expectantly and I said- GOODNIGHT and walked inside and closed the gate.
He stood at the gate and called out to me, “Come back here! Give me another kiss!”
I laughed, flounced back to the gate, opened it and gave him a kiss, lifting my knee ever so slightly so that it made contact with his- you know- teasing him as I kissed him.
I closed the gate quickly again and he stood there staring at me as I bounced away.
“What about next week?” he called out.
“OK!” I called out and waved before closing the door to the building and going on my way.
When I stepped inside my door, I snatched off my boots, pulled off my dress and dove onto the bed for the fastest masturbation session you’ve ever seen!
I fell asleep smiling, wondering if I’ll ever see him again or if I should even want to.
I still wonder. But then again, he did make me smile and I really appreciate that.