I knew it.
I talked to my counselor about it once but I have NEVER, EVER told anyone else. The only reason I’m writing about it here is because I don’t really care what you think. This is my blog and I want to tell this story. It’s important to me not to hide anything from myself. And- I typically write about my life as though no one will ever read it.
Anyway, I remember describing to my counselor that I have this desire to be completely controlled and cared for like a little girl. I would offer no resistance to a person who I trusted would never lead me to do anything detrimental and would take complete care of me as I am completely dominated. He didn’t say much when I told him, but I never had the chance to try it.
Because I am used to being smarter than every man I know, it’s difficult for me to even THINK about being submissive to any man (or woman.) In my mind, if I would ever submit to someone it would be because I admire them soooo much and am willing to allow them to mold me into a version of their own success. I have yet to meet anyone that I wanted to be molded after, so no one can tell me anything and I take all advice with a grain of salt.
I usually have to give out instructions to men, reminding them of how to care for me, and being annoyed when they don’t get it right. When I first discovered the Fetish community, I was pretty sure I was a Domme (Dominant). I’m not. I don’t like demanding obedience. I couldn’t care less if you listened to my instructions or not. I do not get off on making people do what I want them to do. I want someone who likes to serve me because it brings them joy, not because they fear my punishment. I completely gave up on relationships because I am tired of giving instructions. I have no faith in men. They need too much direction.
Well anyway, the other day, I spent time with a man I met who is dominant. I knew this would be a new experience for me because I usually attract submissive men due to my demanding nature. But I put that aside and agreed to have this experience after much negotiation between the two of us over what was going to happen when we decided to play in our Dominant/Submissive roles. We talked about what he expected, what I wanted and what I wasn’t willing to do.
Then I went to meet him and– well, I LOVED IT!
I was resistant at first until he told me, “Your job is to make me want to see you again.”
I was shocked at the thought. I always thought that was the man’s job. I had never considered that I had to do it too.
I loved being told what to do. I loved that he told me I had to shower in 5 minutes and be ready for him. I loved it when he told me to kneel when I saw him. I loved it when he called me a slut; that turned me on so much! I didn’t really like it when he spanked me, but it made me DO BETTER because I didn’t want it to happen again.
I loved every minute of it! I loved every second of it!
I don’t know what came over me. I was a version of myself that I had never met before. I was actually curled up on this man’s lap with my arm’s around his neck, listening to him lecture me about what a bad girl I had been and how I need to do better and I really wanted to do better. I loved it when I did what he wanted in the correct way and he said, “Good girl.”
What the HELL Happened to me?!!!
Today I am craving more.
I am so confused. I thought I was the one in charge. I usually am. What happened to me?
Does being a submissive women mean being weak? ? That was my first time and I want a repeat.
I really liked it! What the hell?!!!