Te-Erika’s Diary: Seriously Down And Out
I had a virtual lunch date yesterday. I posted some pictures of the steak I wish I was eating versus the pancakes I was actually eating and Google Plus invited me to share his ham sandwhich. I added the chips and there we go- A virtual lunch date!
It was the closest I’ve gotten to going out on a real date in FOREVER. Wait, I did meet a man a few weeks ago when I took myself out to dinner and we ended up spending the evening together and having a good time but, of course I lost interest when he sent me a text message a week later. I hate text conversations with men. Who am I kidding? I find ANY reason to reject men and it’s really because I don’t want to be with a man. The idea of it really disturbs me because I can’t meet one that I respect.
On another front I had multiple interviews this week so the press is getting out about my project. To be honest, I am exhausted because I know it looks easy and that I’m just running the hell out of this blog but the amount of work and money that goes into organizing this plus marketing my project leaves me exhausted most days. I don’t sleep well at night on my days off since I work overnight and during the day in between light naps, I try to do interviews and reach out to women to be featured and keep up with the news and I am always trying to discover new women to feature and new stories to tell. I am so exhausted.
I’m doing a good job, I think. This week alone, I got a few emails from women saying they had just found my site and they loved it. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing this all for nothing, this is definitely a lot of work on my part. Sure, the writing part comes easily to me, but organizing it and staying on top of all the emails and press releases that are sent to me is an overwhelming task. I send out my own press releases like 6 times a day whenever I can find a media outlet that I haven’t reached yet. I do follow up phone calls and ask for partnerships with other blogs too.
Lately when people speak to me they describe me as ‘down’. I want to scream at them- I AM SUPPOSED TO BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW!!! But I can’t. I’m not depressed. It’s not that, or maybe it is, I don’t know, but I am growing weary of all of this pressure I am putting on myself. Last week I was good, I mean, I had a great attitude, I wasn’t tired and I was putting in the work with no hesitation. This week I feel like blah and I keep asking myself, “Why can’t you have a normal life?”
Seriously, why can’t I be like most people I meet who are phony and manipulative and petty? Why can’t I just work a job and let that be that? The hard part is, the mere thought of working for someone else long term seems so WRONG to me. Kinda like not believing in God feels WRONG to Christians. Yeah, it’s that serious.
Most of my interactions with people are disappointing and I am seriously starting to think why the hell am I pushing so hard to join them in this illusion of life? This is all so fake. The clothes, the houses, the jobs, seeking status and wealth. I know this, yet I keep trying to prove to myself that I CAN do it, but I’m not so sure I even want to anymore.
I can’t stop being a help to people, it’s a part of who I am. But as I grab moments of pleasure by taking myself out to dinner I wonder if any of this is worth it. But last week and this week were so different. Last week I gave up. I decided that it was okay not to be anything great and not to make myself a success. Once I ‘gave up’ I relaxed and had fun, this week I am back to pressuring myself again. So now I know what I’m doing wrong.
I’m tired, simply tired you guys but I LOVE doing this too so it’s confusing to me too. Maybe I need a vacation or something. I have been going non stop since last year before I started The Rebuild Your Life Project and I’m just- just- tired.
Tonight my boys are here with me, they remind me that I am loved. I needed this. I really do. But tomorrow, its on and popping again- busting my brain to figure out different ways to market my site and my project in an effort to Rebuild My Life.
Don’t feel sad for me, I’m just having one of those days where all I need is a tylenol and a hug. Thank goodness my sons are here.