I used to be a Christian, but I’m not anymore. I still have Christian friends who pray for me and fast for me and I admire them a lot because I do wish I had something like that to believe in. I wish I had the faith that someone, somewhere cared about me and was intervening in my life on my behalf. It’s a good belief to have but I don’t believe that anymore.
I believe that whatever happens to me is my own fault. I believe that my goals are my desires and if they happen to be completed, it’s because I made it happen. I don’t believe that I am favored and that there is a plan for my life. I believe that I made up my own plan and if I am consistent it will come true.
But it doesn’t really matter whether or not my plans come true anymore since nothing really matters. I know, I seem depressed, right? I’m not. I just see beyond the veil of life. I see that the roles we play in life are insignificant. Awards are insignificant. Titles are insignificant. Clothes. Fame. Love. None of it matter in the end.
In the end, all we have is ourselves. We die alone. Maybe we make one wish that we never got to see happen or maybe it doesn’t matter.
I think about death a lot. I know it’s coming. I don’t know when but it decreases the intensity of life. Since I know that nothing is permanent, every bit of emotion that could become heightened, simply doesn’t because I know that this circumstance that causes it is finite.
This too, shall pass.
And so shall we.
I guess I just, tonight maybe, I was wishing that somehow things could be different and there could be a god that was a champion for Te-Erika and could want me to experience all the things I’ve missed out on so far in life that I long for. This would be great because then I wouldn’t have to work so hard and I could rest at some point. I really need some rest.
I could believe that, but these days I am inclined to walk by sight and so far I’ve seen that I am all alone in this life. There is absolutely no one that cares for me more than they care for anyone else and I’m okay with that yet tonight I’m wondering if this is why I view the concept of god in the same way.