I chatted with a friend who lives overseas via skype tonight.
She made me smile and laugh as she recounted stories of love, frustration and lust in French. I tried to explain the ramifications of completing a project like the one I am completing and she encouraged me by saying that she thinks I am trying to process everything and then once I gain some sense of normalcy, I’ll come up with a plan to make this project be a benefit to me.
Right now, in all honesty I feel like I’m more fucked up in the head than before. I used to be so naiive and trusting, thinking people were generally good but because of the overwhelming negative experiences I’ve had with people during this project, I now believe that people are more bad than good.
I look at myself and what I attempted to do and how I failed at it and I’m amazed that I tried and stuck it through.
I’m assessing myself and my dreams and what I felt like I was capable of before I began this project. I’m a journalist by nature, not just because I have a degree. I documented my process creatively and I’m proud of that. I organized a job fair all by myself and hosted it, even though it was a flop. I attempted to counsel the women and men I met. I attempted to bring some sort of joy to the homeless shelter where I lived. I attempted to become one of the crowd, to think like the homeless do and to enjoy their activities, habits and dispositions, keeping myself in line with my own personal boundaries of course.
I did all that.
I raised money for a rental assistance grant. I marketed the give-away and conducted it all by myself.
I did all that and then I was hired by two jobs and began working to support myself with very little rest.
I did all that.
I did all that and discovered that the dreams I have to become an international inspirational journalist, author and speaker don’t really matter. By meeting the people who have become content in the homeless lifestyle it taught me that happiness shouldn’t depend on THINGS. Happiness can be created anywhere and SHOULD be created everywhere.
I am still the same person I was before, just a bit more paranoid and anti-social because now I know that people do not have good intentions. I need some more time to heal from that revelation.
I am not a friendly person. I enjoy taking care of others. I take joy in serving people as a waitress and I can be content with that. I am not a person that most people enjoy being around because of my inability to conform to social norms and expectations and the fact that I am not phony. Phony people despise me. I am content with that. I am not a person that will experience real “I know you and I love you because of who you are” type of love and I am okay with that.
I am the woman you admire from afar because up close is too much to handle. I am content with that.
I am nothing.
And that’s not a bad thing.
I will no longer stress over who I thought I should be and what I should be able to accomplish. For the men and women who have learned or have been encouraged by my videos and messages, I am glad that you have taken something positive from my inner turmoil. I hope it stays with you forever. My hope, sincerely, is to teach women to be better than me. I hoped to teach women how not to be like I am and to find peace with who they are and to understand their power and not be taken advantage of or feel less than because they have not achieved. I put so much pressure on myself that I hated myself for not being able to achieve. I made myself miserable chasing some idea of perfection that I didn’t even create for myself.
I am nothing and I’m okay with that.
If I am nothing and I did ALL of this then you can be nothing too and you can be okay with where you are in each phase of your life. Want more for yourself, but realize that if you don’t get it, you are still okay. Go for your dreams but realize that if you fall on your face you are still okay. Love hard and with everything in you and realize that if it is not returned it’s okay.
It’s okay to be nothing. You are perfection in your imperfection. Take the pressure off of yourself by trying to have the biggest house, the best car, the perfect family. Be nothing. Be imperfect. Let your soul glow.
My soul says:
I have too many inconsistencies and imperfections to count.
I never fit into any social system.
Most people who meet me end up hating me.
Every man who gets to know me, hates me.
I have never been loved for an extended period of time.
I do not live the lifestyle of a success.
With ALL of this, I am still going to keep living and smiling and appreciating me. I will keep serving my customers and trying to be a good servant to others. I accept those things I can not change and I may try to work on those things I can, if I feel like it.
I’ve been to the bottom. It hurt. I could end up there again.
I survived it.
I can do it again.
In the end, I’ll live to tell the story again.
I bless you and I thank you for following along with this journey. If you want to read more of my emotionally charged writing and check in on my life you can always stop by my personal blog which I have been writing since 2003.
All my best wishes for your acceptance and appreciation of yourself, flaws and all.