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I’ve been tired all day. But I have to finish this video so that I won’t be behind.

I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I did not get the 30 businesses I hoped to get by the date of the job fair. The job fair was alright, not a BIG success like I hoped so I’m trying not to beat myself up as I decide to move on to the main focus of the project- teaching how to make money in a hustle and then teaching how to get your own place after losing everything.

By the time I’m finished with this project I’ll have taught step by step how to rebuild yourself. Why am I not proud? Maybe it’s because I had to compromise on my goal, but really, if you attach yourself to a certain detail of a goal you will be stuck on that detail unable to enjoy any of the other details.

What if you decided that you would only marry a man who made 100 K a year. If someone came along who made 30 but he was charming, handsome and loved you for your core would you let him go? It’s like planning a trip to a private island and looking forward to all of your college best friends to join you. If none of them want to go, do you still go and have fun?

That’s kind of how I feel in moving on from this. I set out to accomplish a helpline for women in distress and I did that. I didn’t meet my exact goal in numbers but I accomplished my mission. I need to let go of trying to be PERFECT. I do feel like a fool though. Yes, I feel like a fool for even doing this. I can’t say I regret it. I set out with the best of intentions and highest wishes yet nothing turned out the way I hoped it would.

Well, that’s how life is MOST of the time. We can’t predict the future so all we can do is keep trying. For the next leg of my journey, I won’t have to market this project so much. I have reached out to everyone I can think of to help and the door was slammed in my face so many times. No one is that interested. I do hope you are enjoying this series dear sisters.

I’m doing this for you.

I’ve been laughed at. I’ve been scolded. I’ve been told that I am crazy. I’ve felt the tears come down my cheeks because I can’t seem to change who I am in order to be someone that fits into this world and functions normally in a regular job doing regular things and living a regular life with a husband and some kids.

Nothing about any of that appeals to me and I don’t know why I’m like this. I think about Harriet Tubman and how she set out to free the slaves. I’m sure when she first introduced the idea of “freedom” many slaves scoffed at her because they had no idea of what that was.

How can you teach someone to get unstuck when they don’t know that they are?

All my life I’ve had a series of wins and then a series of losses. This cycle repeated itself until I realized that none was a loss. Well, at least I convinced myself of that. If all of the greatest inspiration leaders are right, then that means I am not a total loss and I still have something to give.

What is it? I’m not sure yet. I hate that everyone is on a distinct path but me. This kind of faith walk is no fun. It hurts everyday to know that there is a game of success being played but I do not know how to play it like the average person. I’m not phony. I’m not silly. I don’t manipulate to win.

I suck at socializing and pretending I care when I don’t. I say how I really feel, in a nice respectful way, but I don’t pretend to like something just to please. I’m not NORMAL. Everyone knows it. This abnormality gives me the blues because when you’re so abnormal you begin to question your existence. Why was I even placed in this world with such an odd personality?

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