Hearing that I was pregnant came as an utter shock and disappointment to me. I have two sons and I have never wanted any more children and here I was- pregnant again.
I’m living alone in a city where I have no friends, family or support. Even if I did, I probably wouldn’t reach out to them anyway, I’m such an ass- I hate asking for help.
At my next doctor’s appointment I did another ultrasound and the nurse practitioner was quiet. She looked at me. I looked at her. I couldn’t quite read her facial expression so I waited for her to speak.
“You’re measuring at 7 weeks,” she said and then paused.
“What? Is that because there are two?” I asked her.
She stood there with the instrument still inside me, a puzzled look on her face as she moved it all around and stared at the screen. I read the name on her name tag and imagined if she ever thought she would be in this business of women’s vagina’s or if she just fell into it some way.
“I don’t see any heartbeats,” she said to me.
“Should there be a heartbeat already?” I asked her.
She nodded. “At this point, there should be. You’re having a miscarriage. The babies are gone.”
I choked up a little.
I had clearly considered abortion but there was this nagging thought in my mind that I tried to squash at every moment that maybe I could do this again.
“You can either wait for the miscarriage to pass naturally or have a D&C which will remove it.”
“I want it out of me,” I answered quickly.
D& C is a term for removing the lining of the uterus. It is basically the same thing as a surgical abortion which is performed in early unwanted pregnancies.
They call your name and you are invited back into an office where they ask you questions about your health history. I have not had many health problems so it didn’t take too long. When they asked if I had someone there to support me, I told them No. They asked if the person responsible for my pregnancy knew I was there I shook my head.
They then took my blood pressure and other vitals and had me sit down in a room with 5 other women. Each of us had a warm blanket provided by them which we used to warm our laps.
They then had me come back so they can draw my blood to make sure that I was not a negative blood type. When I asked why that was a concern they said for negative blood types they have to administer a special type of medicine.
About an hour later my name was called and I was led to the surgery room. There was a table there with stirrups and it didn’t look scary. The male nurse or assistant asked me to take off my bottoms and sit down face forward with my bottom in between the gaps of the table. He placed my feet into the stirrups and taped them down.
I had opted for the D&C without sedation so I would be fully aware during the entire procedure. I chose this option because if I had been fully sedated, I would be required to have someone drive me home. I don’t drive and I don’t have friends here so I had to do it fully awake so that I could take the bus back home by myself.
The doctor came in and I almost gasped. She was very warm and beautiful. In fact, as I looked up at her as she asked me if I had any questions I thought to myself, “That’s probably what I am going to look like when I get older.” She had short honey blonde hair like mine. She wore glasses like I do. She was very sweet.
The only question I had for her was, “Will you be inserting the IUD for me?”
She nodded. “Yes, But you won’t feel that at all.”
There was another woman there simply to hold my hand. The doctor talked through every step of the D&C. First she said, “This is just my fingers,” as she felt around inside of my vagina.
Then she sat down and I couldn’t see her face anymore but her voice was very professional and comforting.
Now I’m inserting the speculum, just a little bit of discomfort.
I can see your cervix. We’re going to open it up. First I’m going to numb it. You’ll feel just a pinch.
Ok. I’m going to open up your cervix now. It’ll feel like a period cramp. Breathe through it.
I SCREAMED! I don’t have period cramps so this reminded me of child birth. At the moment I felt that cramp it reminded me quite vividly of what a contraction feels like. The lady holding my hand reminded me to breathe and I did.
Cough for me, please.
One more time. A BIG cough.
I hacked my throat, not understanding why she was requesting this.
Great! We’re all done with opening your cervix.
I waited to hear some kind of vaccum, but there was no such noise. In fact, I didn’t hear anything. I just felt a stirring inside my vagina, like someone stirring a spoon inside my vagina. It didn’t hurt at all but I was scared.
30 more seconds.
20 more seconds.
10 seconds and we’re all done.
Ok. We’re done.
As she stood up I noticed that she had something in her hands as she left the room but I didn’t see what it was. I lay there, panting. The lady holding my hand said. “That was it. That was the procedure.”
I looked up at her. “That was it?”
She nodded. “It’s over. Was it worse than you thought or easier.”
“Easier,” I admitted. The entire thing lasted maybe 5 minutes.
The doctor returned.
Now let’s get this IUD inside.
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