Te-Erika’s Diary: It’s XMas Eve And I Can’t Stop Thinking

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So it’s Xmas Eve and what am I doing?

Trying NOT to think of plots for stories to write and publish on Amazon.

I’ve started writing short stories and selling them on Amazon. Well, none have actually SOLD yet, but they’re there for the selling. This time I’m writing erotica under a pen name. Well, it’s not really erotica because there is no romance. There’s only cheap and nasty sex, and fetish stuff. So basically I am writing porn.

Yes, I am a porn writer. I’ve been dabbling for a couple of years but I never really was interested in fiction writing but the more I do it, the more fun it becomes. Each “story” I sell for the Kindle is around 10 pages long and that’s about 4500 words. If I put 10 of them together, they’d be a full novel. Maybe I’m practicing for the real thing sometime.

In other news, I still feel sexy with my IUD in. No, I haven’t had sex since my miscarriage. I have met some men who were interested but I just smiled a fake smile and didn’t even entertain it. I learned a powerful lesson from that ordeal; stop fucking with dudes I feel sorry for.

So I won’t do that shit anymore. If I can’t admire you, I’m not going to be around you. This puts a strain on me because I am not easily impressed. Most women want a man who has a good job, a nice personality, loved God, has his own place, car and doesn’t have children. I don’t want that shit.

I want a man who has at least one child because I don’t want him thinking I’m ever having his baby. I want someone who doesn’t love God, he has to be removed from religion or we won’t vibe. He’ll feel like I’m making fun of him when he does his religion,which I won’t be, but most religious people feel like I’m making fun of them. I don’t want him to have a job. That is not impressive, even if he is a doctor. I want him to own his own business. He has to be the boss so he will understand why I am the way I am and he can teach me about building my own business.

So yeah- I’m basically limiting my chance to have sex down to zero as I live in the hood of Los Angeles, well, the Mexican hood but the hood none the less. It’s okay. I can go for years without sex, I’ve done it before. Maybe this porn writing I’m doing will be satisfying enough.

Anyway. My sons are so excited about Xmas. Man, I talk to them all of the time and it trips me out how their Dad is taking such good care of them. He’s Mom and Dad to them while they live with him and he has so much on his plate with work and all 3 of his kids and life in general. He somehow balances all of that, and manages to go out and have fun with friends every once in a while.

I can barely walk to the store and back without needing a nap. I’m proud of him, but I can’t tell him that. You know, I spend a lot of time building my children’s father up in my son’s eyes. I don’t need to, they already adore him but I spend the extra time reminding them of how awesome he is just so they will never feel like there aren’t great men in the world.

I don’t feel like there are.

My diet is going well. I’m counting calories on MyFitnessPal.Com and it definitely helps me to put my food intake into perspective. I’ve learned that just because I’m counting calories doesn’t mean I can’t eat cookies. In fact, I ate cookies today AND yesterday. I can eat whatever I want if I have enough calories left in my daily bank.

Today I ate 3 times, very small meals, but when I was done, I had 700 calories left so I bought some cookies from Subway. Do you see that? Those cookies were 680 calories. 3 COOKIES were 380 calories! And I had already eaten 3 MEALS that day that didn’t even equal 680 calories all together.

Sugar is the devil!!! But it’s so good. If you want some, you just have to make room for it.

Other than those things, what’s going on in my mind?

Hmm. I keep pressuring myself to make money and create passive income. I feel like I’m in HEAVEN when I go out in the street and no one says hello to me or recognizes me. I love the fact that I live in a city where no one knows who I am. It’s not like I’ve been super popular in my lifetime but I seriously LOVE not being obligated to socialize! I love not having to smile, attend anyone’s event or show support because they’re my friend.

I’m focused on me right now and I honestly love it. I love being in a bad mood when I feel like it and not having to cheer up because other people are around. I love only having to buy ME things and not take care of others because they’re broke.

I LOVE that I stopped smoking cigarettes because now fewer people talk to me and no one asks me to bum a cigarette! I used to HATE THAT SHIT with a passion. People always walking up to you with their damn hand out! And men doing it OMG I used to straight curse all of their asses out and call them losers and bums for begging for shit from women.

Today a man asked me for money for food and I was like- Boy please. Sorry. I am not the charity. I don’t have to. I am not being told to give by anyone. I am not required to. No one is judging me if I do or I don’t and I won’t if I don’t feel like it. It’s my choice every single time.

I hate that people are guilt-tripped into believing that if they don’t give to someone with their hand out, God will frown. Who told you that? Those people count on your guilt to keep sustaining themselves, so go right ahead.

Speaking of guilt trips, I had this crazy ass conversation with a Muslim woman today. It reminded me of a conversation I had in the past. She reached out to me after seeing a post where I said I wanted to try wearing the Muslim clothing and the hijab and she said she would teach me about Islam and anything I wanted to know.

So of course I jumped at the chance because if I can learn about Islam I can better relate to all women and I truly do respect people’s choices to be in a religion, I know why they do it, they need answers and guidance in life and they need someone to tell them what to do.

So I’m chatting with her on GTALK and I’m asking all kinds of questions and she’s answering them with such  professionalism that I think to myself, “Damn this girl needs to write a book!”

So I go to my blog and find the book outline I wrote to copy and paste to her and by the time I’m about to paste it in the Chat box I read that she wrote: I am not interested in passive aggression. Bye.

She is obviously feeling defensive about my questions, which is funny because she says when she was introduced to Islam she was able to ask all of the questions she wanted and no one got mad they were patient with her the entire time.

I was so annoyed at this point. First of all, I don’t have to be wasting my time asking you questions only to antagonize you. Do I look like a fool? Do I look lonely? I have plenty of other things to do, namely write books that will earn me money but I’m spending my time trying to understand your religion when I don’t even believe in or rely on god, but I’m doing it so I can understand you and love you better.

Get the hell out of here!

This happened to me before with another Muslim woman I was interviewing for this blog. I had no clue about anything about Islam so I was asking questions that to her were offensive. They were very basic questions like- Who is Muhammed and why is he important? How come he’s a prophet? What is the pilgrimmage about? What do you gain from it?

This lady was so pissed that I didn’t know any of those answers that she told me she thinks I need to do some research before I speak to her again because she has devoted her life’s work to this belief system and I am belittling it with my lack of knowledge.

I was like – What? This is YOUR belief system, it’s not everyone’s and I’m trying to write something so other people will know more about it. She was pissed and refused to speak to me again.

Same thing with this Muslim woman I chatted with today.

She was pissed at me too. Honestly, after chatting with her tonight I view Muslim women differently. She is the 4th Muslim woman that I have met in my life and all of them have told me the story of their conversion and most were similar.

All 4 of them converted after meeting Muslim men who invited them to go to lessons and handed them off to sisters. After their studies, usually a few months later, all of them married the men who invited them to learn about Islam. All 4 of them had tried out different religions before settling on Islam. All 4 of them were very impatient when I asked questions. All 4 of them finally found their identity completely in their religion.

All 4 of them said these words, “I listened to what they were saying and I liked it, I agreed.”

So it was basically a choice for them to agree with what they were hearing. If I choose differently, does that make me a bad person? If I choose not to accept a belief that is introduced to me does that make me different from them? Yes, I am different. I can’t just believe something someone tells me.

I get into a lot of trouble for this, like one time I worked for a energy boosting pill company and they told us their pill helps with healing ailments and they gave out the pills to everyone at work and I refused to take them because- they could have been telling us ANYTHING. I’m not just going to take their word for it. The company did NOT like that.

And when I first came to LA one of the first things I did was head straight to the Scientology Center to challenge all of the Scientologists to convert me. I was eager to see if they could. What I learned about their leader was impressive and I walked away admiring his body of work, his drive and his ability to impact millions but I wasn’t a believer simply because I saw through what he did and recognized my own ability to do the same if I please.

I do not hate religion. I understand that millions of people need the direction, guidance and connection and I admit I suffer because I do not have it. Because I do not have a connection to a higher power or source I feel disconnected from this world- period. I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel compassion. I look at everyone as individuals creating their own universe every day and I don’t feel responsible for their lives and I don’t allow them to be responsible for my life or happiness. I don’t believe anyone is judging me. I don’t believe I’ll be rewarded for good deeds or punished for bad ones.

My actions are simply motivated by my own desires. No one is going to pat me on the back and offer me paradise or say Well done my faithful servant. Ugh. I hate the concept of being called a servant or being in submission or realizing that, like most religions teach, I am absolutely NOTHING without god. Why do religions teach you that you are worthless? That is not productive.

Any religion that says to me- You are powerless is not a good belief system to have, at least not for me. Maybe people LIKE feeling powerless.

Anyway. I’m gonna get off of my soap box, rambling and trying to sort things out. I am NOT against Muslim women or their religion but after this experience I realize that I do not want to wear the hijab and look like them anymore. It’s just a LOOK- there’s nothing powerful behind it like I once thought.

And- I’m going to buy a tennis racquet and learn how to play tennis. I feel ritzy and fancy just thinking about it!

I think I’m going to spend the rest of my evening making a presentation about how counting calories impact weight loss.

Merry Xmas. I feel so much better after blogging out my heart!

PS- I took this picture as I walked from the tennis courts on Wilshire Boulevard today. I thought it was pretty so I decided to share.

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