Te-Erika’s Diary: Trying To Take a Mental Health Day

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What is a mental health day?

It’s a day you need when you wake up feeling like the world is crashing around you? Why would you feel like that? Wait- why would I feel like that?

Well, I’ve been pushing. I have never met a single person like me. I am the only one I know not waiting for someone to hand me a paycheck or to choose me to be great. I am the only person I know who is choosing myself.

I see them all around me, being comfortable, going on vacations, getting married, buying toys. I forsake all of that not because I can’t have it, but because I need to focus all of my energy on building my own brand and turning my life into what I want it to be independent of a single employer.

I see women complain all of the time that they would like to start a business but they can’t because they have no money. But then they buy a new $500 phone or Ipad. That is the difference between entrepreneurs and those who wish they were- all of our resources go into funding our business and we figure we’ll get to have luxuries later.

So today I woke up feeling so frustrated with everything. I’ve been pushing very hard with my fitness goals, trying to burn 500 calories a day and stay within my calorie limit. I’ve been pitching ideas to publications and being turned down left and right. I’ve even started a new blog, my new baby and it’s going well except, I need to get some exclusive interviews to get the ball rolling. I don’t even have 5 views per day yet and it’s been nearly 2 weeks since I went live with it.

I feel like I’ve been pushing a boulder in my life and sometimes I think it has moved but there is no real evidence of it. Am I simply not as talented and remarkable as I think I am? Am I fooling myself? Maybe I will never be able to financially support myself through my creative work. Maybe I’ll never lose these last 10 lbs.

I doubt myself all of the time. I figure that I probably can’t accomplish my dreams but I still go after them because- why not? What else is there to do? Give up and do what?

But then I begin to feel pressure from myself. I begin to feel like something is wrong with me, like maybe I’m asking too much from life. Honestly, lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t even belong on this planet because I can’t seem to connect with any of the people here.

I used to connect with people- before- when I was into compromising more. Now that I am not trying to compromise what I like to do, I find that everyone I meet is repelled by me and vice versa. This is truly a lonely path.

I am not like others I meet in LA. Everyone is eager to meet you, hoping you can do something for their career. I don’t appear to be successful nor do I ask anyone for help so I am not typically someone that others want to know which is better for me because I have so much social anxiety I like that people dislike me.

So today I was feeling so disgusted with my progress and the thought of going to the gym made me want to cry. Show up for what? Make phone calls for what? Write articles for what? Ask for help for what?

So I decided not to do anything today. I decided that I will stay in bed all day and not do anything or try to push any of my projects forward and to not care if I fail at all.

And then I got an idea and before I knew it I was on the phone trying to find contact information for the person I want to interview. This led to me reaching out to 3 more people for interviews, editing the work of one of my writers and researching a little bit before I could stop myself and say- NO. Not today.

So right now my chest hurts a little bit from all of the pressure and I am about to take a walk to the store to clear my head and pick up some detergent to do laundry. I am sitting in my bed right now in complete darkness wearing only a t-shirt, the light from my laptop illuminating the room. I smell funny and I need a shower. But most of all, I need to allow myself the space to stop pushing so hard.

I keep hearing the words of Florence Scovel Shinn- Be non resistant. I understand that. I don’t resist whatever is coming into my life, I just wish I could have more of what I want instead of this consistent yearning for it. When do I get to show what I can do? Wait. I’ve been doing that all along. When will anyone care? When will it be appreciated? Do I even have a place in this world?

The prosperity teachers would say it is my fault my life isn’t the way I want it because I am not aligning my thoughts properly but that is bullshit. Life happens like that sometimes.

What did my cardio kickboxing teacher say to me a couple of weeks ago- If you keep up you will be kept up.

I’ll keep trying. It’s just- the weight of building something for yourself on your own without asking for permission is extremely heavy. Now I see why no one wants to do it. Now I see why others want to wait to be chosen. They don’t want to do the work of figuring things out and carrying their vision for themselves.

I can’t do it any other way because I don’t trust anyone’s intentions. It’s all on me. Let me go.

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