Te-Erika’s Diary: I’m Just a BLIP on the Radar of Life

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I have a confession to make. I am a pessimist.

Although I don’t see the bright side of MOST things, I still manage to do a lot and have fun.

Just because you have a dark outlook on life, doesn’t mean its the end of the world. I don’t expect everything I do to fail, I just don’t demand that it succeed. I’m okay either way. I rarely get excited about my dreams and my list of hopes are extremely low. I have goals but they seem so far away that I feel like I am being taken step by step toward them on automatic and I am a little hesitant about reaching them because then I know I’ll have to create more goals.

I hate meeting new people. If I were more of a people person, I would probably be a little further along with my plans but even the idea of fast forwarding through my journey doesn’t appeal to me as much if it means that I have to sit and talk to new people all of the time.

I kind of like it here, in the middle waivering between being awake and asleep. It’s cozy here. Who even knows if the completion of my goals, me becoming a highly respected women’s empowerment leader, will even fulfill me. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll just be a recluse who wears mismatched clothes and floppy hats to the grocery store. That is my ultimate vision of myself if I ever make it to old age. IF.

I could die at any time. Something about that fascinates me. I look at it as a brand new journey that will be even more exciting or satisfying than this one. I think about death every day. I think about dieing old and alone in the corner of an old shack with broken windows and birds flying in and pooping on me. I’m okay if that happens. I’m okay with no love, no success or a quick and early death.

And I were to die today I’d have to say I did a DAMN GOOD JOB. Look at my sons, they are so awesome! Look at my resume, it is impressive. I’ve done everything I can think of doing on a small scale, as much as my own economic status and will power would allow. I am proud of me. I don’t have to do anything more. I could die right now and be satisfied with all of my effort.

None of that really matters because in the end, I’ll be forgotten anyway., I’m just another high pitched blip on the radar of the Universe among an infinite number of others- BEEP.

And I’m gone.

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