He said Hello.
It was innocent enough as I passed him on the street.
“I know you from somewhere,” he called out.
Oh wow. That line again? But the expression on his face was inquisitive enough that I stopped to give him a once-over too.
He walked over with a smile and asked my name. I told him, not really wanting to, but not wanting to seem rude. He initiated a conversation and to my surprise I found myself asking this stranger questions as well. We ended up talking for 20 minutes just standing on the corner, his eyes smiling at me as his grin matched them.
When he asked for my number I hesitated before beginning to share it but then I thought- what the hell? I’m in a new city, I have no friends, maybe he can be a friend.
Before I even said the last 2 digits, my fears began dancing in front of me.
He’s nice NOW, but he’s probably going to be an asshole.
He’s a young guy, he only wants sex.
You’ve already dated enough men and he lives in your neighborhood, not a good look, Tee.
He’s going to get to know you and think you’re weird like everyone else does.
I backed out of giving him my number and walked away feeling badly even though I had a good conversation with him.
Why is it so difficult for me to connect with new people? It’s easy to blame others for being rude, mean or conniving but in this case I must admit; it’s me.
It took me a full 24 hours to realize what is happening but I am glad my introspection finally gave me an answer.
I expect people to think I’m weird and to reject me so I reject them first.
I’m weird. I’m the type of woman who talks too much, says inappropriate things and feels free to be who I am. Most people have a shell, a mask, a face that they present so that others can see them in the best light. I don’t have that and that causes people to think I am some kind of dork. I see it in their eyes. I feel the judgment. I don’t like it.
I do dream of connecting with someone. I wish I could meet someone that would appreciate the secret side of me, the side of me that is oh-so-giving, sweet and appreciative. The side of me that is sometimes wishy-washy about socializing yet gung-ho about my dreams.
It never happens. It hurts. Since living on this planet for 33 years and spending the last 2 years in awkward situations trying to Rebuild My Life, I have not met one person who appreciates where I am in life and wants to take the time to understand and encourage me. Well, not in real life anyway.
So I shrink back. I hold myself in. I don’t try to make friends. I don’t accept friend requests. I don’t shine as brightly as I could because I don’t want to attract attention. All I want is to blend in or become invisible so that I won’t have to face the common people whose lives revolve around television, sports and gossip.
I’m so weird in my own eyes that I’ve created a bubble for myself. I’m in there bouncing around, having random, temporary experiences with people, knowing that no one will want to play. I don’t think it’s a self esteem issue; I know I’m awesome. I think it’s that I lack faith in humanity and the ability for people to see past their own fears and flaws to really appreciate someone else.
I am flawed. I love my flaws though. I used to want braces so badly because I have bucked teeth but now I never want to fix my teeth because they are so representative of who I am. I’m OUT THERE, just like my teeth. I’m hot and rancid, just like my breath. I’m short and sweet, just like my body. I’m an enigma. I am a firestorm. I’m smart as fuck. I am so many awesome things yet, I don’t believe that anyone I’ve ever met would value those things.
I don’t believe in the goodness of people anymore. These last 2 years of traveling, writing and facing my fears has sucked the faith out of me. I hate meeting new people because I don’t think I can be my authentic self and be understood. I’m on a path for my career that most don’t understand and I really can’t explain it because I have nothing to show for my time and effort. I feel like I’m doing the right thing but there’s no real evidence.
I don’t want to explain my dreams and lifestyle anymore. I’m weird. I get it. Does anyone else?
My sister called me today to express her concern for me. She thinks that I am going to turn into a ‘cat lady’
I’ll be that. I won’t force myself to progress faster than my soul will allow. Everything has its season so for now I think there are worst things I could be.