I’m worried about my Mom. I mean, I guess I am. It has to be on a subconscious level.
My mentality surrounding loss and life is different now that I’ve gone through The Rebuild Your Life Project yet, for some reason over a period of 2 weeks, I’ve dreamt that my Mom died 3 times.
My Mama just retired after 26 years of working for the State. She was forced into retirement because all of those years typing did a doozy on her hands. First she felt tingles and numbness, then throbbing pains. Her job sent her to the doctor who recommended surgery and it went downhill from there. The surgery didn’t correct the problem, it made it worse. She was diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel, the most severe kind there can be.
Even though she tried to continue working, typing with one hand, she had to stop. She had to quit her job just 4 years before her scheduled retirement. Now she’s at home fighting with the disability office who claims that she is not disabled even though her doctors say she is. She has no income currently and is being supported by her husband but she is in good spirits telling me, “I’m not afraid to lose everything, I learned that from you, Te-Erika.”
I’m glad she feels that way. My conscious mind won’t allow me to worry about her in the least bit. Whether it’s God, the Universe or some magician in the sky, things always seem to work out, even if it pushes us through discomfort for a little while. I believe that wholeheartedly.
That’s why I don’t understand why I woke up one night in a sweat as I looked around my room and recognized that I’m still in California. My dream was so vivid. I received a phone call telling me that my Mom died and my mind immediately went to planning her funeral and how to break the news gracefully to my sister and my children.
Then I felt this amazing sense of peace come over me, while still in the midst of my dream. I pictured my Mama and I laughing over the phone, her teasing me about being ‘crazy’ and needing to go get a check for crazy people. I remember smiling to myself in my dream and thinking, “We finally created a great relationship. I’m so glad we did that. She lived a good life.”
The feeling of losing a parent is one that I do not know yet, thankfully. But that dream, that crazy series of dreams will stick with me for a long time because I’ll never forget the panic I felt when I heard the news. I don’t want to go through that anytime soon.
When I finally reached my Mom over the phone she listened as I recounted the dream. She was silent for a moment before saying, “Everybody has to go sometime. You’re just worried about me. I’ll be okay.”
I know she will. Yet. I don’t know what that dream is supposed to teach me. I only know that from now on I won’t miss a day without calling my Mama.
Not a single day.