Ready For The Tables To Turn

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explodeOk. So here I am. I’m 35. I’m STILL in the same financial situation I’ve been in since graduating college. I’m late on my rent. I had to borrow money from my friend for groceries and you wanna know what I did? I spent some of that grocery money on marketing for my other blog.

Am I addicted? Yes. I am addicted to trying to make something out of my projects. So far, I put my whole heart into what I do and nothing has come out of it. Look at THIS blog, it has nearly 1,000 articles on it and 99% of them I have written myself.

I do not know what to do at this point. I feel like I have polished everything, learned as much as I could, studied, put myself out there, risked everything and nothing is feeding me yet. I still eat tuna and crackers. I still don’t have anything to show for my effort.

Every night. I swear. Every night I wish I was dead because my exhausted from thinking about more ways to try to make my projects pop. I GAVE AWAY EVERYTHING THAT I OWNED AND BECAME HOMELESS ON PURPOSE. Who cares? Nobody even watched that.

I MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY WITH NOTHING to teach how to start over in life- no one cares.

I feel like all I’m teaching women is how to be content being a failure.

I’m so tired guys. So tired. And I’m sweaty cuz this basement apartment doesn’t have air conditioning. And I don’t know how much longer I can stay here because I’m behind on my rent and I have no income that I can see coming in because I haven’t sold any stories and I still have no one here to ask for help.

Everyone I meet wants to hang out and go spend money, no one wants to make money with me!

Those are the kind of friends I want, friends who say, “Hey, let’s go get this cash by doing THIS!” NOt, let’s go get drunk and high! Or let’s have sex.

I’m tired. You have no idea how raggedy I feel. I feel disgusted with myself. People are always congratulating me on my successes from Facebook and I’m like- What success? I write articles. I own websites. I still can’t feed myself.

If I could work a regular job- LORD KNOWS I would!

If I were a regular person, I would be married by now with a family and a job and a nice home and a car. But I’m no average, no where near it.

So I’m stuck in limbo- like this is some sort of test.

And I hope that this isn’t some sort of test. Because I read today that some website said that people die young because “GOD” wants them to come into the world to bless the world for a little while and be a light.

But why GOD gotta be toying with us like that? Why can’t we have paradise and just enjoy ourselves? What is the whole damn point of being created to suffer and live in this world and be different and be ridiculed and not have enough? Why would a good GOD just sit back and watch all of this?

Why was I made this way instead of regular? Why can’t I be regular too?

Ugh. I know I’m venting and I’m whining and I sound like a punk which I shouldn’t be. I’m not sick or disabled or hurt physically. I should be grateful. I just want to EAT and not worry about it! I want to stop wishing for a good meal!

 

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