ADVICE: My Boyfriend Uses Tinder & It Hurts Me
Dear Savvy Sister,
I have been in a relationship for almost three years now since the end of high school through junior year of college. The guy I am with has never cheated on me but for the past couple of months he has had a Tinder account, which may just be entertaining fun to him but it makes me feel disrespected. It has been almost a year since he first got it and he goes on it frequently. I’ve explained to him how it makes me feel terrible about myself (because it’s an app the meet and look at very attractive women) and anxious about trust. But he replays saying it means nothing, it’s a good way to make friends who are girls, and that he doesn’t have a lot of self esteem and this makes him feel better about himself.
He would do anything for me and I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me but as many times as I have asked him to please not use Tinder her keeps screen shooting pictures of girls and talking to them on the Tinder chat. Because of this I’m feeling anxious and having a hard time trusting him, which is not the type of girlfriend I want to be and being in a relationship should not make a girl feel this way.
What is the most logical and reasonable way to handle this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for writing to me. For you specifically, I think that he either wants to cheat or is cheating. You guys have been together for so long and you started out so young that it is not abnormal for him to want to see other women.
I personally do not think it is wise to be with one person from such a young age and expect it to last forever. You should be out exploring and having different experiences. Most people believe there should be one love for every lifetime but I don’t believe that should be the case. I believe that having only one love for a lifetime hinders your ability to grow as a person because you aren’t exposing yourself to people with different backgrounds and beliefs.
He is itching to grow and expand, to have new experiences. It is about time that you do the same.
I am not advising that you break up with him, only you can decide that. But I will tell you- no I’ll promise you- that if you do end things with him, he won’t be your last chance at love. You can’t demand that someone be only with you, you can only appreciate the person who chooses you for himself. Stop thinking that you can lose in a relationship. You can’t. If he is interested in other women, let him look. Don’t you want someone who chooses you, rather than someone who is obligated to you?
Decide what is most important to you, your piece of mind or your relationship. Before you decide that, take a look at this article about why cheating is not the worst thing a man can do.
You don’t have to make a decision right now or anytime soon. If it hurts too much, let go. You’ll land on your feet. You won’t make a wrong choice. I promise.
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