I simply adore all of the women who write to me for advice because they are transparent, open and ready to make some changes in their lives. I’m always open to offering my unique perspective for women who are a little bit confused or don’t know how to process certain situations.
The majority of the questions I receive have to do with relationships and among those the most popular questions usually come from a woman who is afraid her boyfriend is cheating. I can understand why this is a major concern for women.
- We’ve been taught that if a man even looks at another woman this means he doesn’t love us.
- We’ve been taught that if we don’t have a romantic relationship then we are not successful at life.
- We’ve also been taught that a man honors us by not desiring other women.
- We have been instructed that love can exist between two people ONLY.
- We were taught there there is a shortage of wonderful men so we have to compete with other women to keep the one we have.
So I see why woman everywhere are so distraught when it seems that their partner’s attention is going elsewhere. It’s a fear; a fear of being rejected. Its a fear; a fear of being alone.
Regardless of whatever fears we have, we have to step outside of our own negative expectations for our lives and understand that when it comes to our relationships with men, some of our ideas and expectations are simply unnecessary. The truth is:
- A man can love you fully and completely and still cheat on you or desire another woman.
- Just because a man thinks another woman is attractive does not mean he values you any less.
- A man honors you by giving you what you need to feel secure. In some cases this is fidelity, in most cases this is financial and emotional security. If he can not offer you fidelity, he will offer you the rest which are just as important to him.
What do you think cheating really means?
- If a man cheats you assume he does not love you, and I’ve told you that is not true.
- If a man cheats you think the woman is better than you in some way and you are in competition with her. Honestly this is not true, she just may have been available in a way that you weren’t.
- If a man cheats you think that he will leave you for the other woman. This could happen but most likely it won’t. If he is cheating with her and hiding it from you, that means he doesn’t want to let you go and is trying to hold on to you both. If he really wanted her ONLY, he would just leave and be with her.
- If a man cheats you think that you are lacking in some area or he would be completely satisfied. This could be true. I have interviewed some men who said that they gave up cheating when they found the right woman and knew they could not find anyone better. But sometimes, men just like to have sex with a variety of women. It has nothing to do with love, just the excitement of new pussy, just like you like new shoes from time to time.
While being deceptive and going behind your back to sleep with other women or become emotionally invested in other women is hurtful, most of the time men cheat deceptively because they want to spare your feelings while doing what they want to do anyway.
I know a man who adores, respects and would NEVER leave his wife for anything in the world. He also has long term love relationships with other women that his wife knows nothing about.
“Do you think your wife has any clue you’re doing this?” I asked him.
“Not a clue. I make sure that the house is taken care of and she is satisfied before I ever leave the house. She has no complaints about me,” he replied.
He adores her but he’s still cheating. To him its no big deal. He has devoted his life to taking care of his wife and his family and he will never walk away from that, he is just a man who likes the attention of multiple women.
Do you feel sorry for his wife when her bills are paid, her husband dotes on her, their children are well cared for and they have a beautiful home and life? Would you like to run and tell her what he’s really doing because you feel she deserves to know the truth?
RELATED: I Kicked Him Out Because He Cheated
How much value does her complete control over his penis really have in this relationship? Should she trade in everything she has now because he won’t give her complete control over his penis?
I’m sure you’re a bit confused right now. Maybe you’re even angry. Your concepts of what makes a loving relationship have been challenged and it doesn’t feel good, especially when you don’t know how to gauge your happiness without being able to control your relationship and have it meet your standards exactly.
If you set your own standards then you can change them. If someone else set them for you, then you can decide that they are not your authority. You can either move forward and find someone you can have complete trust in and feel comfort in knowing that you own their body or you can sit back and take stock of what you have and decide if that is important enough to lose over a passing interest in another woman.
Cheating is not the worst thing a man can do.
1) Try to convince you that you are worthless
2) Intentionally sabotage your efforts at success
3) Hurt your children physically or emotionally
4) Hurt you physically or emotionally on purpose
5) Break up your relationships with your family and friends
6) Steal from you
7) Introduce you to habits that keep you from being successful
9) Gamble all of your savings away
10) Decide he will not work and ask you to support him
Still Worried About Cheating?
If you are worried that your husband or partner is cheating and you do not know how to handle it you have 2 options.
1) Break up with him immediately, allowing him to see what he is missing. You have to go out with other men too to see what you were missing. You can always chat again to compare notes.
2) Let the news of his affair slap you in the face. Stop trying to figure it out or play detective. If this is a big NO, a breaking point, allow it to happen in front of you or blatantly where there are no questions asked- then you can leave him. Until then, enjoy your time with the person you love and expect the best from them every day.