I was sick this weekend. It felt like the flu. Combined with my monthly cycle, my body felt like it was about to give up.
I hate these times when I get sick because with no car and no close friends around, I have to figure out how to get medicine and take a taxi to the emergency room if necessary.
Now that I’m feeling better thanks to my roommates who offered me some of their medicine, I had the time to think about what’s bothering me. I have this feeling of disconnection to people in general and I’m thinking that it stems from The Rebuild Your Life Project, where I became homeless on purpose.
Even though I faced my fear of homelessness by forcing myself to go through it and survive it, it doesn’t mean that I was immune to the emotional turmoil it brought. I looked at it as though it was a project, but I felt the same sense of loss and frustration that anyone would feel if they had to go through it. Sure, I was better equipped to deal with it emotionally with my background in counseling and my ability to make fun of myself during the most down times but, the reality is this project changed my worldview.
I used to believe that people were generally good. I used to believe in God as a rescuer. I used to have things that I looked forward to with hopeful expectations, excited that my dreams were coming true. Now, I don’t feel any of those things.
When I meet people, they are kind of hazy to me. I see us as two souls connecting for just a moment and then it will be over. I have no attachments. I have met no one that I want to be attached to. I have no desires to be attached. I have grown to be comforted by the idea that I could live my entire life alone. Being alone forever is not a fear of mine at all, not anymore.
I think about some of my friends from my past and I think what luxurious lives they lead. It’s not that they are so financially secure that they are jet setting from country to country, it’s just the things they talk about are so petty to me in the grand scheme of the world.
He’s sooo cute!
Girl, I just bought this new dress and it is sooo hot!
I think I’m in love.
Love?
That’s a luxury. I have no time for that.
I was talking to a man who professed his love for me but I didn’t believe that shit. Love is an action word to me. In fact, I don’t have time for that right now. You can think about love when you are comfortable and you’re aren’t pressed to make things happen. I am not pressed to make my dreams come true right now, I don’t believe they MUST happen in order for me to be happy. I look at them like a bucket list of things I know I am capable of and I’m willing to try but it’s not like I believe that I deserve them or that I am purposed to be make them happen.
I don’t believe in purpose anymore. I believe in trying to create the life you want and if some of those things happen to depend on interactions with others then you have a 50/50 chance of making them happen. If they don’t happen, it’s okay, you can simply make up another goal or keep fighting for the same one.
I don’t know. Being at the complete bottom of the social chain had its toll on me. It showed me how cruel people can be when they think are better off than you are. It taught me how those very people you look down on because they have nothing, can still smile and be happy and laugh and have adventures. It taught me that there is a lot less love in the world than I thought.
My sons are the reason I still believe in love. Yes, I have parents who tell me they love me and siblings who say they care but the reality is, their romantic partners take precedence over any love they could have for me. I understand that and I accept that. It’s the way of the world.
I don’t know who I’m becoming or where I’m going or even why I feel this way about the world at this moment or how it will benefit me in the future. I just. AM.
I just know that the world goes on with or without me. My life is just a blip on the radar of the Universe, a tiny blip in the grand scheme of things. I am the center of my Universe but in the larger realm of billions of people, an infinite number of stars and who know what other life forms that exist, my silly needs are inconsequential.
I’m still transitioning. Still haven’t bought myself a wardrobe and don’t want one. I still don’t want to socialize with anyone. I have come to the point where I am annoyed by the thought of having sex and I don’t even seek anyone to fill that need anymore. It’s just ME- spinning around the restaurant serving pancakes, writing on my blog trying to share secrets that will help women to get through the rough times, trying to organize projects that will help to improve the quality of life for people and in between, having certain moments of bliss when my sons come to visit me and we get to bond.
That’s my life right now.
