Yeah so, on Day 1 of the Say YES Challenge I reveal that I was invited to a fetish party.
It’s all good. In my mind, I’ll go find something to wear and go to this party, meet a guy who likes to get his ass whooped for fun and have ME some fun whoopin his ass! No sex. No condoms. No strings, just me letting out my aggression. Cool?
But when I reach the store and walk in, shit gets kind of real as I am shown a slideshow of pictures from the last party and that shit was kind of freaky and those girls had perfect bodies and I’m wondering what the hell I could wear to a freak party because I don’t have a body like that.
So my anxiety started acting up and I became nervous about it for the first time. I imagined that people would try to talk to me and it scared me because, well, people ALWAYS try to talk to me, especially couples. Couples love to invite me home with them- maybe I look like I’m down. Well, I kind of am. I mean, if I’m in the mood. Well, ok, I’ll do it, but I have to be comfortable.
I hate that I experience social anxiety. As a counselor, I’d say the root of social anxiety is worrying about what other people will think of you. Do I worry about that? Well, not really, but yeah. It’s just, my looks. People are attracted to me because of how I look and they want to get to know me but my looks and my personality don’t match- I don’t think.
So I feel like they are always disappointed. I don’t even think I’m that cute. I know I’m cute but not jaw dropping cute. Sometimes I think it’s my energy that people are attracted to because with this gut, I don’t see how anyone calls me sexy.
It’s my energy. It attracts so many different people. They say I ooze sexual tension, but I’m not trying, I think they’re just horny.
I don’t want to have sex. Right now, I don’t like the feeling of a man touching me. It feels wrong. I don’t like to think about spending time with a man alone- it feels like a bad decision. I don’t like the thought of touching a woman without loving her, it feels disrespectful. I don’t want anyone to notice me and become attracted to me.
Why am I going to this party?
Oh yeah, cuz this is The Say YES Challenge. ~rolls eyes~
Oh god. I can’t believe I’m gonna spend money on this party and a costume just to stand in the corner and not talk to anybody.