I am in a state of confusion right now. I don’t know what to do.
Today I went in to my first job since this project began and I filled out all of the paperwork to start working next week.
Honestly, this job came as a result of my job fair. If no one else got a job, I did! This Denny’s was the FIRST business that I got to sign on to participate and I appreciate them hiring me. Being in a restaurant again brought back so many memories. Good memories of both Denny’s and Red Lobster and then bad memories of management experience.
While I sat there I had these thoughts come into my mind-
Maybe you don’t need to do anything more than this? Who are you trying to prove something to anyway?
Your project was basically a flop. You’re going to finish it and show women how to rebuild but then you’re going to be back where you started. But why isn’t that enough?
I used to think that just because I had the CAPACITY for greatness that I should achieve it. Why waste talent? But now, I kind of feel like maybe I don’t NEED to be great in anyone’s eyes but my own and my sons.
I set out to show women that their biggest fear shouldn’t have to be a fear at all and I got caught up trying to help other women rebuild their lives. Now I’m bound in my heart by not keeping my word and getting 30 businesses. That is making me feel like a complete failure although, really, when I look at my objectives for this project I have accomplished every one of them except for raising money to support this resource and a homeless shelter in my community, oh and I got 16 businesses instead of 30.
If I accomplished MOST of my objectives, the objectives that I had control over, then why do I still feel like I failed? What were my expectations? I guess maybe I wanted more women to be helped by this project and I’m not satisfied with that. But really, I AM helping.
Everyday I get phone calls from women who say they need work. I ask them a few questions and then I give them information on how to apply, instructing them to call me back once the application is completed. When they call me back, I call the manager of the business that I told them to apply to and I ask for an interview for them. I also give pep talks, buy bus passes and even cigarettes if the woman is really in need.
So far, none of the women have even gone in for the interview.
Success is a process. I’m planting seeds I guess.
Excuse me for rambling but I have so much on my heart. I have women that I’m working with trying to get them jobs and I am starting a new job that somewhere deep inside, I’m considering making a career.
I’m always happy when I’m a waitress. Why can’t I just, stop striving for MORE and be happy with that? It won’t bring me honor and glory from the outside world but it makes ME happy. It won’t be a career that my kids can brag to their friends about but I’ll be content knowing I’m serving others. People who know me from my past will continue to give me disappointed looks because they expected so much more out of me based on my intellect and my potential but do I owe them to meet THEIR expectations?
Do I NEED honor and glory? Do I HAVE to realize my full potential? Do I even want that anymore?
I have a heart to help yet I need help myself. Should I focus on helping ME to sustain myself? What is sustaining myself anyway?
My passion is in serving others. I can do that as a waitress and continue to help women find jobs. On the other hand I thought I wanted more. I thought I wanted to write more books and be an inspiration and travel and have adventures and be a teacher of success.
Maybe I’m just worn out.
I COULD accomplish great things but I’m not sure if I WANT to anymore.
I can be regular. I can be a waitress for my career and love on my sons and be happy helping women where I can.
I’m a failure.
Why can’t I be okay with that?
Who said we all have to strive for GREATNESS?
Why can’t greatness be what we decide it is?
Do I need a million fans to feel like my life is worth something?
Do I need an award to feel like I am valuable?
I tried my best to help women to become employed and I am still trying yet, I feel like something MORE is supposed to happen.
But do I really NEED that?
There are many people that are okay with just getting by and doing the bare minimum to get by and pay the bills.
I think that you have huge dreams and there is nothing wrong with what. The problem is that you will never be happy if you arent doing everything that you can do to help others succeed. So many women are not used to getting the help that you offer, they dont know how to accept it. I mean how many women do you know that want to help other women succeed? Most women are too busy promoting gossip and basking in other womens failures rather than trying to build them up..they just don’t get you or your plight.
I would never tell you to stop trying to help others because it is so evident that it is your passion. But what you have to do is get yourself comfortable, and settled, and then follow your passion. Your passion is not supposed to disappoint you when you fail, your passion is there to make you feel alive, not defeated and like a failure.
I dont know the best way to live, and I am certainly not preaching, but I too am a risk taker, just like you..I am misunderstood, overworked and under appreciated. But it pays my bills and keeps me happy. If I want to spend the weekend watching TV, then I do..I try to live as stess free as possible, and you should start to do the same. Your journey is not over, it is just beginning..I hope that you look in the mirror and see exactly what others see in you..a great inspiration, mother and friend. I think you did great–and you inspire me every day.
xoxo Chick…
~B~