Dear Te-Erika,
Well I asked my husband to leave because of infidelity and now he’s treating me very mean as if I’ve done something and kind of blaming me. He was coming to still see the kids and all of a sudden one day he left his wedding ring on the cabinet and said nothing to me. I just found it so my feelings are hurt because I did nothing and thought we could work it out.
I just want to stop this hurt. I can’t eat sleep and he only calls when he needs me to do something. What about the kids? I have tried to satisfy him we have had threesomes so why cheat? It seems like he is enjoying himself but he doesn’t want me 2 see other people. I feel so stupid because I’ve put so much into him & now someone else reaps the benefit. I want him back.
♦♦♦
So basically, you’ve had a threesome with your husband but when you caught him sleeping with another woman, you freaked out and decided to punish him by making him leave your home. Now you are upset because he gave your wedding ring back and he is ignoring you. You want him back but you don’t know how to do that, correct?
Ok. This is a mess. You gave him permission to sleep with other women with your knowledge but you didn’t give him permission to sleep with other women without your knowledge. You feel threatened by the fact that he wants to sleep with other women, but you would allow it only if you are involved. You feel that his cheating is a sign that he does not love you.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Love has absolutely nothing to do with sex. He cheats because he likes to have new pussy from time to time. It is very important for you to know what type of man you have BEFORE you get married and then accept it or reject it. There are men who like being monogamous and those who don’t. You obviously knew he liked new women because you were willing to accept and engage in threesomes with him. You opened a can of worms your poor little heart couldn’t handle and now you’re sad about it.
The first thing I would caution you and any other woman is to never try to punish a man by giving him freedom to do what he wants to do. You didn’t REALLY want him to leave, you wanted him to stop sleeping with other women. How is asking him to leave, punishing him? You are actually pushing him to do what you DON’T want him to do. You should have kept him (and his salary) in the house and punished him while he was there in some other way. You cut your household income because you were being emotional. That’s not a good idea- ever.
So now he’s acting as though he doesn’t even care about you and you feel like you are the one being punished. Instead of him crying to come back, he is out there having a blast and you’re at home crying your eyes out. What happened? What can you do now?
You have actually transferred the power in the situation to him. He knows this every time you look at him with pleading eyes asking him to stay with you. He acts as though he has moved on, but clearly he has not because he has expressed that he does not want you to be with anyone else. If he did not care about you, he wouldn’t care who you were with.
He DOES care about you, he still loves you, but you have given him the freedom to do what he wants. Even if he does come back to you, it will be after he has had all the fun he wants and he will come back with a new license to keep doing it again and again.
How do you transform this situation?
The only way you can gain his respect again is to:
1) Decide if you really want a man who wants to experience new women from time to time. If you can accept this part of him, that is perfectly fine. Everyone’s relationship is different and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you can NOT accept this part of him then he is gone and let him stay where he is. It’s up to you. Be honest with yourself.
2) Regardless of what you decide concerning number 1, you have to move on. Yes, I mean you have to pull yourself together and start having fun and moving forward with your life. He will never respect some sad woman who is waiting in the shadows for him to come back. He will respect a woman who understands that life goes on without him. I am not saying you have to go out and date, I am saying that you need to do some work to improve yourself in any area of your life you choose. Do something that makes you happy and makes you feel more valuable. Take a class, learn a new skill, take a trip, start exercising or change your hair.
When you focus on YOU and you make yourself your priority instead of winning him back, he will notice the improvement and once again will want you. If he does not, he is stupid and he actually did you a favor. Please believe me on this one.
Work on making YOUR life better, allow yourself to miss him if you want to, but don’t do ANYTHING to get him back. YOU are the prize that is why he married you in the first place. He’ll realize that when you realize it and start treating yourself like you are amazing with or without him. If he does not realize it, he’s stupid and you don’t want him anyway.
So go ahead and rearrange your life. It’s your turn to take off the wedding ring and put it away for safe keeping just in case he comes to his senses, or you need to pawn it to take a trip. You never lose. You didn’t ruin your life. This may be the beginning of something beautiful, you never know until you dry your eyes.
All my best!
Te-Erika
Send questions to advice[at]mysavvysisters[dot]com.
