I swear. This new project with my new blog is taking me to places I have never been emotionally. I am building my business as a tastemaker and explorer of Los Angeles but the socializing aspect of it truly rattles my nerves.
Sometimes I wish I could find another person and tell her exactly what to do so she could prosper and have her act out my dreams for me so that I could stay in the background and reap the rewards that way. While I deal with my sever social anxiety and personality quirks one of the women in my women’s empowerment group on Google Plus reminded me that I should just relax and be myself.
Just be myself.
That makes me laugh. Being myself means offending people with my candor and openness. Being myself means not being politically correct. Being myself means leaving people staring at me wide-eyed and angry over my opinions and world view.
I know for a fact that my opinions and tastes are largely inappropriate and definitely not mainstream. I don’t impose my views on others just out of the blue but if we are having a conversation, you had better believ I am going to speak up and share my opinion too. Its not because I need to be right or have the desire to sway someone’s opinion, I just believe that my opinions are just as valid as the simple ones the majority of people spout. Even though I know I won’t be agreed with, I share them anyway.
My head hurts from all of this meeting new people and traveling throughout Los Angeles county to film interviews. I’m not even done yet. I still have one more interview to go and 3 more profiles to write and THEN the last article to put together and then I’ll be done with my first big push for my new blog.
I just want to see some progress. My bills are due. My money is almost gone. I received a letter from child support saying they want to see me in court because I haven’t been able to keep up. My sons asked me if they will be able to come to LA this summer and I had to tell them I honestly didn’t know but sometimes miracles happen. I have been writing article after article. I have sold them and am still waiting to be paid. I have no idea how I am going to pay my rent next week. I woke up from a nap today and immediately thought, “Why do I keep waking up?”
I have been working so damn hard with no results whatsoever. It seems like every effort I have made is futile. I wonder what is the point of trying if there is no reward.
But then I think about how much I do enjoy coming up with an idea for a marketing strategy and pushing it into fruition. It’s always tough- the big ones. My marketing ideas are always soo complex, but they are designed to grab headlines and really make an impact.
But are they working?
So far, a little bit.
Everything always works out. But you know, it would be nice to have a break from trying to figure out how the hell it could possibly happen. I am so ready for my next level- of peace of mind. Please.