I woke up smiling but kind of surprised since it has been nearly 4 years since I’ve seen you. I’ve thought about you often, maybe too often. It seems that you’re a fantasy in my mind. I’m always kissing you, touching you, fighting with you, being a spoiled brat and you know just how to handle me and I appreciate it so much, at least in my fantasies.
In my dream somehow I saw your number on a piece of paper and I sat down to call you. You didn’t seem surprised to hear from me at all. I asked the big questions, “Are you okay?” “What are you up to?” I don’t remember the answers but I do remember that I felt relieved as you spoke.
I had so many more questions for you but I knew we would talk again so I didn’t press the issue. If I had recognized that it was a dream I would have asked you to tell me the truth about what happened because I need to hear it, for my sanity’s sake.
I need to hear you say I am sorry. I need you to tell me every detail about what you did and why so I can feel like I’m not going crazy. They told me I was imagining things. They acted like nothing happened. I felt like a victim. I was scared even though in my heart I know you didn’t mean any harm to me. But I just needed you to say it to me out loud.
I’ve had encounters like ours before but at least they were open enough to admit it to me. The admission of it is what makes me feel better in a world where I already do not feel safe.
I never hated you. I hated them. I hated them for covering up what happened to protect themselves but you had better believe it’s only a matter of time before I get in that ass about that. I am very strategic and I will not rest.
I’ve changed so much since you spoke to me last. I used to be so idealistic about this world. I used to have high hopes for my future and the future of the world and now- I see it’s all bullshit and it means nothing. Progress means nothing. It’s all about profit and self preservation. I learned that from the situation with you.
Sometimes I think I see you. Sometimes I actually FEEL you. Are you around? I don’t know. One day I felt you on the street when I was walking. It felt the same as I used to feel when I would go to my events, I could feel you there. They said I was imagining everything. Was I?
I hate you for not telling me the truth so I can stop thinking something is wrong with me. Do you know what it’s like to wonder if you’re crazy or if what you feel is real? Why am I wondering? Oh. To protect THEM? You’re so fucking indoctrinated in their bullshit that instead of telling the truth to ME you would stand with them and watch me suffer. You knew what I was like. You knew about all of my hang ups. You knew about my paranoia and my quirks. You knew I was deeply afraid to open up and I opened up to you and you stomped on me, on purpose.
But guess what? I didn’t suffer permanently. I moved on. I’m better because of what happened and because of all of that bullshit you guys put me through when I was just trying to improve myself. That’s why I met you. Don’t you get that? But instead you decide you want to become a part of the problem and stand with them and they don’t give a fuck about you all they want to do is preserve themselves.
And maybe you’re preserving yourself too by not speaking up. Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I am crazy and all of this was in my head.
I need to use this imagination for something more profitable. I guess.
If I were to see you again, I don’t know if I would slap you or hug you. I cared about you. I stuck in there with you for 8 weeks, longer than anyone else in my life. I challenged myself and I won.
And then you crushed it.
You are mother fucker. Fuck you. You are a coward and all you do is hide to protect them. I was so wrong about you. Writing this out after holding it in for so long and never being able to talk about it, has helped me to realize that.