I was just sitting here and thinking about all the pain I used to carry with me inside.
I couldn’t engage with anyone truthfully without expecting them to hurt me. Ok, I take that back- I couldn’t engage with men.
I was so angry at my stepfather for not giving me what I needed most- acceptance, approval and praise. I was so mad at my children’s father for not loving me the way I wanted him to. I was angry with every man for not appreciating me and I was mostly mad at myself for desiring their love.
I’m beginning to feel differently about it all.
Before I felt like they had all the power. Their acceptance and approval meant the world to me. I would weep and weep because I needed their love so that I could feel worthy. I felt like they were all out to get me and I would shrink into a little ball everytime one came near me. I felt marked for abuse.
Now, I don’t give a damn.
Although it still shocks me when men are nice to me and I don’t expect it to last, I still don’t give a damn.
When you learn not to be a victim, the entire world transforms before you. You encounter life’s inconsistencies and you don’t feel as though there is something wrong with YOU- you just understand that sometimes things happen and some people just aren’t good people.
You stop taking things personally and blaming yourself for other people’s shortcomings and attitudes.
You understand that everyone’s actions are a reflection of their hearts and if what they are showing you is less than what you feel you deserve, it’s not your fault and you can’t do anything about it.
Everyone is not meant to be a perfect fit to your puzzle. If they don’t fit, they belong somewhere else, it’s as simple as that.
If they come in trying to wreak havoc and spread their negative energy because they can’t handle the pain they feel inside by themselves, you can try to work with them but you don’t have to. You can move on. You are allowed to move away. They are not your personal responsibility.
You don’t have to save them.
You are not a victim. Stuff happens to the best of us.
Victims live in the past and re live those painful memories day in and day out because they find comfort in re opening those old wounds. Victims want the world to feel sorry for them because they do not know how to form a new identity for themselves.
They want to forever be known as the cancer survivor, the former addict, the sexually abused kid, the woman who was cheated on. They need sympathy because they don’t want to create a new identity and walk in the power of that identity.
You are NOT a survivor of ANYTHING. Something may have happened to you but it doesn’t DEFINE you. It’s in the past, leave it there. Deal with the consequences and move on. You CAN move forward, if you want to.
If you don’t want to because playing the victim gets you further in life, go right ahead, but I don’t want to hear you complain and whine about it. It helps no one. It’s not your testimony- it’s HISTORY!
Let it be that.
YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.
Live your life like it just began today.