I remember doing it all of the time with my Baby Daddy. I remember us going to great lengths to be together so we could do it and having to make ourselves STOP because I kept getting pregnant but those days were like over a decade ago.
So now, I don’t get it. I went to a swinger’s party a little more than a month ago. There I saw people enjoying sex for the mere act of it, instead of weighing how accomplished the person’s resume was. Those are the type of things that excite me sexually. But those people, were nerdy looking and no one discussed life achievements. Those women there allowed the men to touch them for no reason at all.
I couldn’t understand that. I became a little jealous at the thought that they could experience pleasure without limitations like I have,
And then it happened. I met a man here in Los Angeles that I wasn’t trying to become attracted to, it just happened. I would masturbate 3 to 4 times a day thinking of him. It really clouded my mind.
So, to finally get that shit out of my head I opened up my scope to receive men again. After my last experience at the beginning of this year, I was like- ugh-yuck-fuck-that- when it came to men.
But I opened up again because I needed to have an orgasm outside of myself. I met one guy who was cute- but he was religious so I was turned off. My standards are so fucking high that no one ever meets them. I am always turned off when I get to know a guy and women are off limits for now since I can’t treat one the way I imagine she should be treated without the proper finances. I then went online and created a profile on Adult Friend Finders, which I was told was a hook up site.
I received plenty of messages from men and women and I sifted through them all, choosing a few to talk on the phone with. I made dates with two of them but never went because I changed my mind.
These people are not interested in talking. They don’t care who the person is, they just want to have sex. I thought I could do it but the part of me that wants a partner who lasts more than one round or who is actually concerned with whether I enjoy myself or not won’t shut the fuck up.
I’m losing my mind trying to figure out how these people can choose someone based on pictures and create a full fledged fantasy in their minds of how great the sex would be. I was talking to this one guy and he said to me, “You haven’t been properly fucked yet that is why you don’t understand how this is a necessity for life. You keep giving up because it’s not real to you. Once you are fucked for real by a gentleman, masturbation will never be enough again.”
And then I was like- But damn. Why would I ever want to have an experience that would cause me to crave and become dependent on another human being for my satisfaction. Right now I am primarily self satisfied, sexually, financially, emotionally. There is no one who meets any of my needs and every person is dispensible.
Why would I want to create an attachment that would make me fall to the mercy of another person? When is sex ever really that good where I would want to give up my sanity for an orgasm?
You know what it sounds like? Vulnerability.
As good as I am at being self-aware and honest about my shortcomings- depending on anyone else for my well-being is a straight ticket to hell in my book.
So let me go masturbate and get back to my writing cuz I don’t see why I would set myself up to be at the mercy of someone else for my satisfaction.
