Dear Te-Erika,
I don’t live my life because I believe that I will be harshly rejected and pointed at. If I would go out with my new friends or my family, I fear that if I get confronted it will embarrass them and they would be mad and disappointed in me. I scared to be alone to defend myself of being accused to be a liar, a slut, a mean and superficial person and to be judged the way that I look without makeup. I fear others judgement and lack of openness or understanding. I’m also very hurt, maybe I shouldn’t but I wish that guy who was mean to me would have been my friend, I still respect him even if he completely disrespected me. How do you become stronger and courageous ?
SL
~letter has been edited for length~
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Dear SL,
It is very courageous of you to reach out to me. I understand what you are going through perfectly. For your entire life you have been afraid that other people would reject you because of the way you look, your opinions and who you are in general. At this point, you feel as though you are weak and a disappointment to those who love you and yourself because you want to be stronger but you don’t know how to do that.
Someone has been harassing you and making fun of you and even through all of this you wish this person was your friend. Let’s try to understand a few of your behaviors and then we’ll go through what you can do to shift this experience.
Why are you afraid that other people will reject you? Do you believe on some level that you are a worthless person and do not have anything positive to contribute to the world or life in general? Do you believe that others are better than you are and you are not worthy to be their friends or companion?
Well, this is an interesting outlook to have because you DO have friends and family who love you, so this outlook may be the result of focusing only on those people who do not know you or love you. Why would you focus on them? Why do you crave their approval so much? This could be because they have the personality traits that you wish you had. You probably wish you were strong, opinionated, fearless, social and charismatic like the people you admire.
Why don’t they like you anyway? Why does this guy you mention make fun of you? It’s simple, he sees how much power he has over you and he likes that feeling. Most bullies are like this; they crave control, often because in another area of their life they lack control. Maybe his mother is sick and he can not do anything about it. Maybe the girl he really likes won’t like him back. He can’t control those situations but in your case he can just give you a look and the fear in your eyes gives him the power he wants to experience. He pushes your buttons all of the time because he knows that you will allow it. He does this to feel his own power.
Why do you allow his behavior? Why do you still want to be his friend? Either you want to be like him, a powerful person or you are in need of a powerful person on your side. You may secretly be a submissive woman seeking a powerful man to protect you, guide you and teach you how to be a better woman or person. Do you dream about meeting someone in power who will rescue you and protect you? Do you dream about being a helping hand to someone and meeting all of their needs and sitting at their feet? If so, you are probably a submissive person.
There is nothing wrong with being submissive and being attracted to a person of power. It will take some time to find a dominant (powerful) person that you can trust who will not hurt you and who will accept that you want to follow them. It is not impossible. It could happen.
As far as you becoming stronger and not feeling like you will be rejected by everyone, there is only one way to overcome this issue. You have to be willing to lose.
You have to be willing to be rejected to overcome the fear of rejection. You have to be willing to lose. You have to be willing to be laughed at.
Think about the comedians who make it to the big time. They are usually very odd and silly individuals who are willing to share things that most of us wouldn’t. How did they become like this? They were willing to be the butt of jokes and they were willing to be rejected.
The strongest people I know, including myself, are seen as strong, not because we don’t care about what people think, but because we know that our opinion matters more than anyone else AND we know that someone disliking us or rejecting us is not the end of the world.
There is a place for you to fill that only you can fill. There is something for you to do that only you can do. There are a group of people who would love to meet you, the real you, without make up, pale face and all. They’ll think you’re beautiful.
SL, you have to stop caring so much. It’s that easy. Be willing to be the laughing stock. When they laugh at you, laugh too. Be willing to lose the game. When you lose, congratulate the winner. You’re taking life and people too seriously and that is why you are timidly walking around being hurt by everyone.
Life isn’t that serious. These people are flesh and bones just like you. You should not take them that seriously. If someone ridicules you, laugh with them. They are only trying to be cute and funny. If it’s funny, laugh. If it’s not, you try to tell a funny joke.
Laugh at yourself. Make fun of your pale face. Make fun of your belly. Make fun of your eyes. Make fun of the fact that you can’t hold a fork correctly. Laugh at yourself. Accept that you aren’t perfect. I am weird. I admit. I love it. When people try to make fun of me for it, I just smile and look at it as it what makes me unique and special.
If everyone around you is brown skinned and you are pale, make the most of being pale and be dramatic with it. Glamourize your differences from others and laugh at yourself. Be okay with not fitting in or being perfect. No one is.
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The next time you run into that guy, when he makes a remark about you, look him in the eye and say, “You want me don’t you?” If he continues to say something mean, just say, “If you want to go out on a date with me, just ask nicely.” He will be shocked that he has lost his power over you and may become attracted to you.
You’re ok, SL. Life does not end here, it is only beginning. Take off the make up, walk outside. Look people in the eye. Smile. Dare someone to laugh at you. They won’t. Speak to people. Dare someone to reject you. If they do, it’s okay. Everyone is not going to reject you, especially when you take the time to reveal your true self. Some people do appreciate authenticity. When you meet these people, you’ll end up calling them friends.
Most often when we are willing to face our biggest fears, they disappear.
Go try it.
Love,
Te-Erika
Send questions to advice[at]mysavvysisters.com
