Life is rough sometimes.
Sometimes we experience things make us feel as though we are unwanted, unloved or without value. People can be so cruel. They can hurt us intentionally or unintentionally; either way the pain is the same and we are sometimes left to feel the sting without knowing where to turn or how to deal with it.
If you are a woman who has been abused, you may still be holding the anger in. You may feel as though the abuser needs to be punished. You may wish for their death and destruction. You may even wish for your own death and destruction because no matter how much you’ve tried you can’t seem to heal and move past it.
Today I am here to tell you that I am in the same boat that you are in so I completely understand. Some days I feel so guilty for wishing that my abuser would fucking die so that I can finally feel free. Some people judge me and call me bitter. Some people say I am weak for not just getting over it or being stronger and not allowing it to impact me.
I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t believe I can move past it. I still hurt. I still feel unprotected. I still feel unsafe in this world. I still feel as though everyone is out to hurt me and I still have no desire to develop relationships with anyone.
So what do I do now?
I can easily drum up negative emotions every single day and focus on my pain until it magnifies casting a dark cloud over my life that no one can penetrate- wait a minute- I’ve already done that.
So yes, I’ve done it. I’ve sabotaged my life because a couple of people have hurt me. Of the 6 billion people on the planet, a hand full have hurt me in ways that I find unforgivable and I have allowed it to make me shrink into a ball of hard clay. No one even wants to play with me anymore.
Ok. So what do I do now?
I can do the work of forgiving. I can search the ends of the earth for cures, medicine men, shamans, psychic healers and the like. I can go to therapy for years and years focusing on the pain, rehashing it over and over again hoping to one day be done with it.
I can do all of that- but the truth is- each day, I have to live my life.
I will not allow what has happened to fully handicap me even though some days my heart hurts so much that I feel handicapped. I’m not phony. I don’t laughing in people’s faces when I feel sad. I show my emotions. I work through them every day. Some days I feel like a fool. Some days I feel strong.
Some days I want to weep and feel sorry for myself. Some days I want to forget and have fun. No matter what my mood that day, the dark cloud follows me reminding me that I can always choose to cry and feel sad because I have a reason not to allow myself happiness. I am reminded by that dark cloud that I have become too comfortable living in the pain and offering up my power over the contentment in my life to a couple of assholes who have never been content with their lives so they try to ruin mine.
Most days, even if I am angry, I simply choose to still do my best at whatever goal that I have set for myself. From making a goal of doing something to make myself smile every day to losing weight to finding a place to volunteer, I set goals for myself trying to create my dream life even though I believe my past has shown me that I will never have it because I am not worthy.
Yes, I have been abused in my life. But no that doesn’t stop me. I still achieve the things I want to achieve. I won’t allow my past abuse to allow me to fuck up my entire future. So far it has impacted my relationships in a way that I can not stand the idea of being with someone romantically but that is just the way it is right now. Even with that hanging over my head there is so much more of life to live.” ~Te-Erika
There are so many adventures to have, risks to take, laughs to embrace. I may be a shell of a woman sometimes but dammit I am one colorful, crazy, adventurous shell who is afraid at any moment that I’ll break yet- I am willing to break.
You don’t have to be a fuck up because someone hurt you. You know this. You’re using their action as an excuse because you are afraid that you CAN have what you want. Maybe you don’t even feel like you deserve it.
If you don’t want to be content that is fine. If you don’t want to be successful and complete your goals that is fine as well. If you can’t stand the idea of another human being in your residence then don’t get married, it’s your choice. If you don’t want to move forward in your career, that is completely your choice but be real with yourself. Don’t blame your lack of motivation or desire on someone else when that person has nothing to do with who you are deciding to become.
Whether your abuse happened 25 years ago, yesterday or today, every day you make a choice as to where you are leading your life. Sometimes it makes us feel safe to play in the shadows and not shine. Sometimes abuse offers us an excuse to not be who we really want to be. But then there are those days when you look yourself in the mirror and you KNOW you have a spark of greatness in you and you’ve been denying it because you are afraid.
If you are going to be afraid to be who you were designed to be, then admit that to yourself. If you don’t want to be someone awesome and contribute something amazing to this world then you don’t have to do that either, but don’t ever blame someone else’s actions for what you did or didn’t experience or accomplish in your life.
You are not a victim for life.
You’re more powerful than that- whether you harness that power or not.