Wow. I just had a thought. Things are so good for me right now that I had a moment of fear surge through me like- this can’t last forever. I guess that is an indication that I don’t believe I deserve good things to happen to me and LAST. But really, when I think about the worst of the worst case scenarios, mostly they are things I can’t control like the loss of loved ones or hurting myself physically in an accident.
Sometimes I think about other people trying to hurt me because they are evil but then I remember that no matter what happened to me in my past, I moved on from it and prospered because of it. From the time I broke my foot and ended up becoming a writer because I had to, to the time when my child’s father sued me for child support even though I was unemployed, living with my Mama and in grad school and I ended up having to find a job as a waitress which became the job I have loved the most in my life.
No matter what happens, I stand up and I make the best of it. If I go to jail for some crazy reason, I’ll probably fall in love while I’m in there and write books up the ying yang. If I somehow ended up losing a limb I’ll probably become a champion for disabled people.
No one wants to hear that you’re doing well, it doesn’t make for good drama or exciting conversations but actually I am. Every day I wake up feeling so grateful to be alive and happy that I am who I am. I am most grateful for my solitude because I can go where I want when I want and I don’t have to consider anyone. I enjoy my own company the most and I don’t really want any friends hounding me down to listen to their stories or meet their needs. I am being selfish and I love every minute of it. I don’t plan to stop anytime soon.
Sometimes I feel a twinge of sadness when I hear my kids have activities that I can’t attend because I’m in LA Rebuilding My Life and they’re in Florida but for real, I really, truly believe that somehow this hard work will pay off and my boys will see what it takes to make something of yourself without asking anyone for permission. That’s a tough road to travel but it’s worth a try.
So for now, I’m in good spirits. I’m not too hopeful about anything but I still have the daily fantasy of sleeping with Malcolm.Gladwell or meeting Kanye for the first time. I also fantasize about moving into a new place even though I can’t imagine where I would want to live next. I also fantasize about taking a great AFTER picture after toning up my body a little.
Honestly, I don’t really want to lose weight. I know that sounds horrible but I am not attracted to skinny women so I don’t want to BE one. I think my issue with my weight is the fact that when I look at older pictures I feel like look younger than I do now. I’m not used to seeing myself look so round in the face. It’s weird to me. It’s making me feel old.
But- to be honest, I am not as self conscious about my looks as I act like because I love my thick thighs, I love my booty, I love my body. I think I’m fine. It’s just that my clothes don’t fit. Maybe if I had a new wardrobe and dressed to accent my new curves I would feel better. I don’t need a hard body, I just want to be comfortable in my clothes.
But all of this work on my fitness is getting to me a little. I don’t seem to have lost any weight at all and I do a lot of working out. Maybe its my diet that needs to change more. Or maybe I’m the perfect size right now. Sometimes I think I create shit to worry about. No one is judging me but me, plus I don’t date or socialize so who gets to see me anyway? I do. And I say I need to do laundry and clean up. Otherwise, I’ll keep going with my daily walking because it makes me feel happy and maybe I’ll find a tennis partner so I can have an active sport to play.
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Other than that, I’m just vibing, feeling like a million bucks every day that I get to do everything I want to do and live my life how I want to live it. It happened for me already. I feel like a retired woman and it feels so good! Check me out at the No Pants Subway Ride In Los Angeles. I went by myself and had so much fun!
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