Te-Erika’s Diary: I’m Not Really A Hero

Someone called me a hero today.

It caused me to have a panic attack. I think that one of the reasons why I share so much about my personal life and thoughts is the fact that I hear so many compliments from people about my talent and my personality that- I try to show them who I really am, because I wonder if they’ll still like me if they got to know me.

Pretty people ain’t got it easy. LOL Don’t shoot me, but I know I’m beautiful by society’s standards. The thing is, I hear so many fake compliments that I don’t believe them anymore.

Why lie?

I don’t know. Of all the work I do creating things to inspire women and shake them out of their self imposed limitations, I still have some limitations that I am quite comfortable with. Love, for example, I won’t allow anyone to love me.

I do everything in my power not to make an emotional connection with people, romantic or platonic. I don’t welcome new people into my personal life. I don’t make new friends. I only have one night stands with strange men so that I won’t risk falling in love. Hey, you can’t fall in love with someone when you don’t remember their name the next day.

So that’s where this declaration that I am a ‘hero’ comes into question. I had to take a break from the internet after I read it. I’m not a damn hero, I just don’t give a damn anymore.

Talk shit about me. Ostracize me. Tell me No. Fight me. Jail me. Kill me. I’m not afraid of death.

I believe there are certain people who are here to make a difference. Through years of studying other people who have achieved what I have not been able to, on a wide scale basis, I have learned so much about the mentality of success. I now have it, yet I don’t really want the admiration that comes with it because there’s so much more that I can do and be.

It feels creepy because I still view myself as a failure in most ways. To me, I’m still trying to make it so reading so many letters of admiration makes me feel like I’m lieing to people or that they see something that isn’t true so I share even more of the REAL ME but the letters keep coming.

I am not perfect.
I am not someone to admire.
I have not done the things I’d really like to do in this world.

I would love to be able to run a company that aids women. Wait, I already incorporated it.
I would love to help elevate women in their platforms. Wait, I created a platform to celebrate them.
I would love to eat all the foods I want without cooking it myself. Not there yet.

I have so many hopes. I wonder at what point will I believe that I will have ‘made it’. Is it when I’m featured on the cover of a magazine? Will it be when I receive my first million dollar grant? Will it be when I hire my 100th employee? Will it be when I fling open the doors of my fabulous new home and my sons run in to see it and find their rooms? Will it be when Oprah calls me for advice? Will it be when Kanye West asks me to marry him?

I don’t know.

I’m not a hero. I’m just a woman who isn’t afraid to fail anymore, to look foolish or to be told No.

You know what? Fearlessness combined with my diabolical intellect is a very dangerous combination kinda like- dynamite.

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