Te-Erika’s Diary: Every Waking Moment

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Every waking moment I am thinking about ways I can expand my brand online. It’s like an obsession to me. As soon as I wake up, before I brush my teeth or even think about food I have ideas for articles or names of websites that I want to write for pop up in my mind.

I don’t write because I get paid, although I do get paid to write. I write because I am focused on building a massive portfolio of ideas that I want to share. Every article I write represents a part of me that I want the world to know. I have awesome ideas that will lead to healing and I want to share them.

I become frustrated because I am honestly doing the work that it would take a team to do. I try to hire writers and according to what I’ve experienced my pay rate isn’t bad at all, yet these women I’m meeting who claim to be writers aren’t really writers, they’re just playing at it.

Or maybe I’m just too serious about it. How can you be a writer if you’re using your best material as a post on Facebook? How can you be a writer if you don’t have a blog? How can you be a writer when you send out one pitch to an editor every 6 months and then complain about how you wish you were a writer. You aren’t a writer, you’re a wanna be. I don’t respect that. Don’t even come at me with that.

It’s Saturday night and I’m here in LA and I could be doing a million things. Honestly, I just finished masturbating so now I’m ready to create more content for my own blog which I have neglected lately because I thought I had hired a new writer only for her to flake on me. I have limited patience.

I have so much to do. I have to keep updating my 4 facebook fan pages with content that I auto schedule to come out at intervals. I have to keep pitching to other sites because I need to create income. I need to keep up with the news so I can stay relevant. I need to keep up with my youtube videos because that platform is important to me too.

My brain hurts so much from trying to keep up with everything and it would be nice to have some relief but honestly I don’t trust anyone to help me. People pretend to want their dreams to come true but when you show them how to do it and they don’t, you can tell they were just dreaming and they don’t really want it.

Most people are like that. They will talk about their business goals and dreams and how much talent they have but they have absolutely nothing to show for it. I don’t get that.

I don’t get people. You waste hours and hours of your day socializing and drinking- why? Why is that a good life? I don’t get it.

You work for someone else. How could you be satisfied with that? Your name is not even on the building or the paychecks? How could that be okay? I don’t get that. I can’t devote my life to someone else’s dream like that.

I don’t know. I’m just different. The average person would find me weird because I’m not into shit they’re into. I don’t want to drink or do drugs or socialize and waste my life away talking about topics that I could be writing about and making money from.

See. Even right now I’m having all of these random judgemental thoughts but instead of calling someone and venting at least I’m using my randomness to add to my writing portfolio. No one even reads this but I don’t care. These are my real thoughts and I need an outlet for them that will benefit me.

I saw a sexy ass dude today. I stopped him and said, “You’re sexy.” He laughed. I guess he had a delayed reaction because about a minute later I heard him call out, “Hey, do I know you?”

I knew he was trying to get my attention but I wasn’t interested in walking back so I just waved and kept walking. Damn. We could have been having sex tonight. Too bad.

What else? I had a great workout today. My son asked me if fitness was my new hobby and I said yes. I love this shit. If only the gym were closer. I’m getting to the point where I have to talk myself into getting up and going there because it takes me about 45 minutes just to get there, not including the time it takes to get ready and have breakfast. But when I go, I don’t regret it.

So, if it’s not about how I can expand my brand online, I’m thinking about my fitness goals and wondering if I can ever have a fit body for real, the kind where I could wear a sports bra with no shirt and feel sexy.

I made a video of myself in my aerobics class today. I look like a penguin.

I look like a cute penguin, but a penguin nonetheless. I remember when I thought I was sexy. I was about 19 years old and knew I had a rockin body and loved to get naked.

Then I fucking met that idiot and had babies and fucked my body up. I never thought I had an ugly body before now. I don’t actually think my body is ugly but I know I look like a penguin which is never how I saw myself. I just saw myself as a Mom with a jiggly belly that you couldn’t see with clothes on.

Now I can see my age.

Ahh. I can’t stop the damn aging process so I may as well get over it.

Every waking moment I’m thinking about improving my personal brand, creating new content, making more money without clocking in at someone’s job, how much I want my sons to be happy in life and to be self sufficient and I think about chocolate a lot too.

But I mostly ask myself what else can I do to express myself creatively so that when people do notice my work someday (hopefully) every single piece of it will be mind blowing.

I don’t know what I’m doing. But I do know that I’m doing more than most. I don’t just dream. I take action every single day. I produce quality. I don’t wait for others to help me. I don’t ask for permission. I never stop trying.

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