I had a very interesting exchange yesterday and I keep thinking about it and wondering if I will be like this my entire life. So I met a young man who is tall, extremely handsome, has an entrepreneurial spirit and work ethic and is very good at a lot of things. When we met, I think there was some attraction as well but I brushed it off because he’s only 41. He’s so young.
Anyway, he sent me a couple of sweet text messages and I was sitting here frustrated by it so I asked him to call me. The convo went like this:
Him: Hey. How are you?
Me: I’m good. I just- see you are sending me sweet text messages and I know for a fact that people are only nice to me when they want something from me so instead of beating around the bush, just tell me what you want upfront. What are your intentions?
He didn’t hesitate before he replied: Well, I can’t say that I have a specific agenda with you but you never know. After getting to know you, I realize that you have knowledge that I could learn from which would make me better and I want to be better so I want to be around you. Number 2, I think you are cute so we don’t know what can come with that and number 3, I think you are cool so I figured maybe we could be friends. But if none of those things happen, I’ll be alright. I just want to see what will happen.
At this point my mind is asking: But what do I get out of this equation? He can learn from me, but can I learn from him? He thinks I am cute, but something thinking you’re cute only gets you PREGNANT and I am never having a child from a man ever a-fucking-gain. AND- I’ve gone this long in LA without having any friends so I may as well stay this way because I know how to live life alone and I don’t have to compromise who I am just to have company.
So I told him: Look. I don’t trust anyone in this entire world and receiving those messages from you makes me feel suspicious.
He responded gently: Well, what can I do to make you feel more comfortable?
Me: You can stop contacting me and let me take care of my goals on my own. That would make me completely comfortable.
Him: I don’t believe you really want that but I won’t try to convince you. Since this is our last conversation, I’ll say Goodbye.
Me: Goodbye. Have a great day.
We hang up.
So on my end, I am definitely sincere about not developing any relationships. I am comfortable being alone and I don’t see what I would be missing out on at all. I don’t need anyone to encourage me and tell me I can complete my goals, I already know that. I need instruction on how to complete my goals faster and no one I have ever met can tell me that so it always ends up with me teaching and not receiving knowledge in return.
So. I am not sure if this is the right way to be but this is who I am right now. I’m used to doing everything by myself and even though it is hard and frustrating and really tough, I get through it and I’m okay. Being alone is so comfortable right now. Doing it myself is familiar.
I’m always okay. And I have no one to thank or blame but myself.