Today was an absolutely fabulous day! I spoke to my sons a few times, read lots of great articles had some very intriguing internet discussions that have since been forgotten and my chicken salad was the shit too!
Anyway, in my absolute admiration for my current life situation, and gratitude for my wonderful boys, I came to ask myself if anything could ever get better.
I don’t need it. Sure, it would be great to have more money but I am not starving. I love so many things about my life and one of the major parts is the fact that I enjoy so much solitude. I see people around me who crave companionship and I am eternally grateful that I do not, at least not in a social sense of the world.
I do think about having someone to have a genuine conversation with every day. I think about not having to explain myself, to be understood immediately and appreciated. But even then I realize that this may be hoping for too much and then I go about my day making my dreams come true- all by myself.
I have honestly decided that I could live a life of complete solitude as long as my health holds up. As long as I can buy my own groceries and pay my own bills, I would be perfectly content in the lifestyle I have, living alone, going out to eat alone, making my dreams come true- alone.
Do I ever feel sad about being alone all of the time? Sometimes. I mean, when I want to feel sad I feel sad but I realize that I only feel sad when I need something to do that’s different from the work I do as a creator. So I take some time out of my day, on occasion, to feel emotion, to feel sorrow and cry. It relieves me and reminds me I am human.
Otherwise- fuck that shit. I get to go where I want without having to talk to anyone about it. I don’t have friends in LA so there is no one calling me asking me for favors. I don’t have to listen to “Come with me to the bathroom” when I go out to have fun. I don’t owe anyone in this city a damn thing. No one has helped me. No one has invested their time and energy into me. That makes me feel great to know I don’t owe anyone anything!
I think about my work as a creator and I realize that no one would do the things I do alone. I research, write, film, interview, edit and produce my own videos and marketing initiatives all by myself. I should have a team for that. I should have a team to help me manage my many websites, especially the social media part of it- but I don’t.
Maybe I could be further along in my career if I had dedicated helpers who joined me to keep my brand growing but I don’t trust anyone to help. Even those who offer help, like the first woman I met in LA who offered to let me sleep at her place for a couple of weeks and ended up stealing from me repeatedly, those who offer help, are not to be trusted.
Am I too independent? Will it hold me back? Will someone offer me a group project or activity and I refuse because I am not interested in working with others due to my LOVE for working alone?
AND- the truth is. I am completely satisfied to stay on this level professionally. I have lost the taste for MORE. I lost it as I came to realize that the MORE that people crave is completely dependent upon someone else recognizing your talent and using you to help themselves make money. I don’t mind helping someone to make money, it’s the waiting around for someone to believe in me and invest in me – part- that troubles me.
I’m okay where I am. I actually like being unknown. I don’t want fame or social obligations and I honestly still enjoy masturbating.
I remember talking to one man who told me that if I were to ever experience a night of passion with a real man, I would crave it forever, and masturbation would no longer be satisfying. I am glad that it hasn’t happened yet because the idea of craving someone’s company makes me want to vomit. I would hate to be at someone’s mercy just for my happiness or sexual satisfaction. Wow. That must be how men feel.
Anyway- this is just me rambling and thinking about how self contained I am and how satisfying this actually is despite how it may seem. I don’t want any more children. I do not feel the need to be married. I can love someone if it is presented to me however, it is not a priority in my life because people are so complex and I like to relax.
I just want to keep floating like I am now, enjoying tasty desserts when I’ve done a great job eating healthy all week and discovering new experiences and making progress in my career. I don’t see why that’s a bad thing.
Life is so good by myself. I can pay for myself by myself. I make myself laugh so much and honestly when I am around others- it’s just not as much fun.