Te-Erika’s Diary: Thoughts on Father’s Day

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Today is Father’s Day and I’m being bombarded by Father’s Day pictures on Facebook. Instead of thinking of my own biological father, trying not to because it makes me ill, I’m instead thinking of my Mom’s husband, my stepfather, or the man who raised me.

I used to hate him.

I hated him for many years. It wasn’t until recently that I took a step back and tried to understand him and it offered my heart relief. This man wanted so much to be with my mother that he put up with a whole lot. He also was there for us, raised my brother and sister and I and gave me literally everything that I wanted while I was growing up. He didn’t do everything right. In fact, those reasons I had for hating would still be valid to this day if I hadn’t decided not to make them relevant anymore. He didn’t know what he was doing when he was raising me. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing.

All I know is, whenever I needed something, he got it for me. Whenever I was sick, he sat beside me and held my hand. I can think of a thousand reasons to discount his love for me but I choose not to. He’s not a monster anymore in my eyes. My past has no power over me.

I’m also thinking about my children’s father. He was a monster for me too. I hated him for many years too. Funny how that works, you have so much angst in your heart for a person and you end up falling in love with someone who delivers the same thing. Even though I can’t say he ever really loved me, the one thing for sure is, he loves our sons. In fact, my sons are being cared for so well, I wonder if the gift of their birth was really for them. Sometimes I think my sons are a gift TO HIM, because he would have never known how awesome of a father he could be until they were born. I had no clue, but I do now.

My sons have an amazing Dad. They tell me everything. They tell me his stories and his moods and his habits and I very rarely disagree. So many people talk smack about me not having my sons, allowing my sons to live with their Father but, as of right now, I don’t think there is any better place for them, not even with me.

So today, on Father’s Day, I’m sending out appreciation and even LOVE to the two most hated men in my life, who happen to also be the ones who have contributed the most.

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