Te-Erika’s Diary: The Center of My Joy

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Do you see these two young men pictured above?

These are my sons. I had them while I was in undergrad at the University of Florida. I was that Black chick walking around campus pregnant, not once but TWICE. When I think about how crazy that I was, I went for a degree and came back pregnant, it makes me laugh.

The choice to have my children was mine alone. With my second son, born just under 2 years after the first one, I was advised to have an abortion. I was told that my life would be over, my career ruined, if I had a second child.

At the time I had a decision to make. Do I believe the person trying to convince me to have an abortion or do I go on and ruin my future forever? As you can see, I gave up on my future and had my son.

These days my boys live with their Dad and I am able to move forward with my career goals. I would have never believed that I could have both and I was willing to NOT have my career just to have them. This isn’t an easy road. I’ve been working on this women’s empowerment blog and The Rebuild Your Life Project for 2 years with no progress or so it seems.

The only thing that keeps me going, the only thing that brings me joy is my sons. I stay up all night and keep my phone close just so I won’t miss their phone call before they go to school. I can’t wait to hear about their day, every day.

My arms ache because I can’t hold them every day. They won’t get it, maybe not until they are parents or until I’m dead but the kind of love I used to wish for, I have for them. I don’t give a damn about a husband or a father or even a best friend. Fuck the silly relationships that come and go based on moods. My boys, my awesome sons are my reflection. They are my best gift in this life.

Whatever I can do to prepare them to navigate this crazy world, I will do. I can’t protect them. They need to get knocked around a little bit so they’ll become stronger. I do hope to offer them wisdom about being kind to themselves and others but I won’t turn them into soft little boys who are scared to take a hit.

I wish the best for them but I can’t live their lives for them. I wish I could keep all harm away and make their lives rich and beautiful but I can’t. So all I can do is try to leave them with a legacy that will allow them to have a head start on their dreams.

My sons are the only thing that will remain on this earth after I am gone. Everything I do today and tomorrow is not for me, not for my fame or satisfaction. Everything I do, is so they will be equipped to prosper.

Just saying thank you to my boys for giving me the greatest love that ever existed.

Sai and Solomon, you truly are the center of my joy.

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