Te-Erika’s Diary: The Opposite of Rage

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Being a women’s empowerment teacher holds a bit of a stigma, at least in mind. In my mind, I picture a women’s empowerment teacher to be someone like our First Lady, Michelle Obama but here I am wearing a self appointed title and when I look into the mirror I have to laugh.

Yeah, I’m different. I don’t have it all together and I don’t want to. I’m a bit of a slut and that part of me delights me. I have never been married but I have two children and I never plan to marry because- for what? I am not friendly. I am not fake. I don’t care about making friends or if people like me. I would prefer if most people would leave me the hell alone because I’m not interested in their bullshit life details, not for social purposes anyway.

In my mind, I don’t fit a mold, but really I don’t want to. My authentic self is ghetto, easily annoyed and elitist. I fantasize about becoming a recluse one day and I hope to make a few million before that happens so I can live comfortably.

I’m writing all of this because I am feeling really good about life right now. For the past 2 days I have been so out of it mentally, crying, angry and frustrated over certain things that I already knew would be taken care of. Things always work out. I guess I just allow myself to feel certain emotions just to remind myself that I have them.

I was feeling some kind of rage over not being in complete control over my life. Yes, it’s silly, I know but I needed to feel alive, awake, HUMAN so I allowed them to surface and expand.

Today I feel quite the opposite of rage. I’m feeling powerful and free.

What happened between today and yesterday? Not a damn thing. I just got a good night’s rest, laughed a little with my weird sister and spoke to my Mama, that always makes me smile.

All the things that were “wrong” with my life yesterday haven’t changed at all today yet, I can laugh at them today instead of allowing them to weigh me down. Boy, I’ll tell you, if you had caught me say- 5 years ago, you would have been shocked by the person I was. I am so different now.

And that is why I can honestly PROMISE the women who write to me for advice that things will get better if they want to, I’ve been there. I used to be so pathetic and frustrated over my lack of control over my life. I painted myself as such a victim all the time to anyone who would listen. I wished that someone would have an answer for me. I wished that someone would save me. No one did. I saved myself eventually. Do you want to know how I did it?

I stopped giving a fuck. I stopped caring so much. I allowed myself the space to fail BIG TIME. I decided that being a failure wasn’t such a bad thing, especially if I was failing at my biggest goals. I allowed myself to be wrong, to be immoral, to be indecent. I allowed myself the opportunity to be imperfect and really own everything about me.

I have a big nose.

I have bad breath.

I love being called a slut during sex. I request it, I demand it.

I ask for what I want.

I don’t care deeply about many things.

I’m only alive for a little while, I may as well fail big, have fun and be excited about the unknown.

 

 

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