I miss my sons.
Every time my phone rings, I jump hoping it’s them. When it is them calling it’s usually my oldest son, Sai saying, “Just calling to say Hi.”
I know everyone thinks their children are the greatest but mine really are. They heal me. I’m out here in LA and they gave me their blessing to be here. My younger son Solomon said, “Go change the world, Mommy.” He told me that the day before I left for LA.
I know they understand. I know they’re happy living with their Dad. I’m grateful everyday for him. He’s the kind of Dad like the Dads on TV. He takes them on trips, sends them to overnight camps, allows them to accompany him when he’s being honored for his work. I question myself all the time about if I’m being a good enough Mom but if my boys are any indication, I did the best thing for them.
I miss them. I’m trying not to cry right now. I have to complete my goal of offering a grant but life keeps happening. Now I have to move AGAIN, and this time I’m trying not to go back to shared housing, I’m trying to get a real place, a real place of my own in LA. I think I’m going to leave Long Beach although I love it here. I’m not certain. All kinds of drama going on with this house.
I feel like I’m choking inside. My heart feels like it is about to explode.
I want to be a great Mom and I think I am doing a good job so far, but I’m so far away. I know they’re doing well but I’m so far away. Maybe it’s just that this project feels like it’s never going to end, coupled with the stress of having to move in 8 days with limited funds and no hits on a place as of yet.
Can I finish this? Sometimes I wonder what I am doing this for. Whose to say that finishing this project will prove anything anyway? Whose to say that my work means anything to anyone?
Damn. I feel stuck. I give awesome advice and relief to women all around the world and today, I’m just missing my babies and feeling stuck myself. I know just what to do to heal myself. I know it intellectually yet this day, I feel like I can allow myself to feel sad, to mourn another loss of a home and to miss my beautiful sons who are doing so well with their Dad.