Te-Erika’s Diary: The Introvert’s Struggle

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I went out tonight.

In my quest to enjoy Los Angeles more I have decided to try to find the best events that cater to my interests. I joined Meetup.Com and found a few interesting groups and then tonight I saw that my editor had posted that she would be speaking at a panel for authors near my house so I put on my boots and walked there.

My editor knows that I have social anxiety and I do not socialize well with others so I planned to sit in the back incognito and listen to the authors talk about their books and then leave, but I my plan was thwarted when I walked in and saw that there were only a handful of guests which meant that I would have to talk to someone.

I ended up talking to a young publicist who shared that she had so many dreams for her life but didn’t know where to go next. I encouraged her to try everything she ever wanted to do and to not settle for one thing if she doesn’t want to.

Then the panel began and I became anxious. My heart started racing and my chest felt tight. I poured myself a glass of wine to calm me down and it worked enough to get through the panel discussion. I bolted out of there immediately afterwards though, I just couldn’t bear it any longer.

As I walked home I thought about what I had learned. Two of the panelists, including my editor, had gotten book deals based on their blogs. My editor said that she had agents calling her after discovering her blog and the other author said she had to pitch her book to editors and that she had sold it on spec but eventually got it done.

There were two male authors there who seemed so warm and proud of their work. I remember listening to them speak and thinking how great it would be to be a REAL author, even though I have written one full length book, I self published it.

The thing that stuck out to me the most, which I can’t wait to discuss with my sister since she had recently discovered the same thing is the fact that these authors were all a part of the Jewish community and they look out for each other, turning each other on to new tips to prosper and helping to bring each other to the level they all want to be.

I could actually FEEL the warmth between them and for a second I wondered if I could become Jewish just so that I could have a family here in LA.

But I don’t know. The authors said that having a support system is vital to the creative process because you won’t feel isolated and you’ll have someone to turn to with questions and to encourage you. I wish for that.

I do have friends but they are so far away and every time I meet new people I feel so- scared to share who I am. It’s not that I lack confidence in myself, I just think I don’t know what to say about small things.

I know I’m a women’s empowerment blogger and leader and there are certain ways that I am supposed to behave, like be completely confident all the time and always know what I’m doing but the truth is, I’m not like that at all.

My confidence doesn’t lie in the fact that I always know what to do, it really is the fact that no matter what happens, I know I can recover from anything that happens so I am willing to try risky activities and go after dreams that most wouldn’t simply because I am not afraid to fail.

~deep breath~

Ok. I’m done with this rant now. I feel proud of myself that I went, I spoke to people and I learned a few things in the process. I have another event on Thursday night and then one this Saturday so we’ll see how that works out. All I know is, right now I want to go hide in the closet to calm myself down and recover from all of that social interaction. Geesh.

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