Te-Erika’s Diary: I’m Not Young Anymore, But I’m Not Ugly

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I took some new pictures of myself last week. I wasn’t exactly tired of looking at the profile pics I rotated on various social media sites but honestly, most of them were 3 years old. I just don’t like taking pictures of myself. Yes, I know I’m beautiful, but it’s not the most important part of me. Besides, every year I’m changing.

I have changed so much.  Hell, I have changed so much since the beginning of this year when I broke my foot and couldn’t be a waitress anymore. I sit in the house all day writing and thinking of stories to write now. My body has plumped up and my face has too. When I look in the mirror I think I look great, I think I look beautiful- most days. Other days, I think I look just like my son, Sai.

But when I look at this picture I just took (above) and compare it to the older pictures of myself I can tell that my body and my face is changing. I feel kind of sad when I look at this picture and I wonder what more is going to happen to me to shift me away from the beautiful young woman I once was.

Me, July 2012

My body has changed. I don’t mind that. When I get dressed, I still think I look good in clothes.  Stepping out of my clothes, um, I see the jiggles in my belly but I don’t think it’s gross, just grown.

When I took the new picture (above) I immediately made a new header banner for my blog using the new picture instead of a 3 year old picture like I had up there before. People complained about the picture I had saying I looked mean and arrogant and it wasn’t inspiring.Well, I AM mean and arrogant but I’m still inspiring. But yeah, I get it, it’s time to update my pics.

Anyway, I updated my banner and then a day later I received a surge in new traffic from a new site that is featuring my writing. LOVE the newbies who are curious enough to find out more about me after reading some of my writing but I HATE the fact that when I checked my stats, 92% of the new traffic bounced without reading anything.

92%

I looked at my blog. There are nearly 800 articles on here. Interviews with women who are creating sucessful lives for themselves. Awesome original videos and How TO articles for crisis management and life maintenance yet, 92% of my new traffic wouldn’t even click on a single article.

Why? I figured that it MUST have been my new banner. So I designed another one with a generic image  from the internet. I just added my site’s name to it. The next day I checked my traffic and from first time visitors, the bounce rate was down to 66%.

That kind of hurt my feelings but then again it didn’t. I am glad that I found out what the problem was. It was my picture.

I don’t think I’m ugly. I know I’m not young anymore. I know I’m not sexy like the young ones who wear heels and tight dresses, but I’m not ugly.

Maybe I need a better photographer or a better designer for my banner. But right now, I’m okay with not being on the header of my banner if it means more women will find my work and grow from it.

I’m hiding myself for right now.

I’m cool with that.

I guess.

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Comments (2)

  1. j brown November 22, 2013
  2. Clifford January 11, 2015

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