Te-Erika’s Diary: I’m Not A Domme After All

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I’m not a Domme after all.

I’m scratching my head and wondering how I could have fantasized about a career as a Dominatrix and then when I have the opportunity to pursue it, I found that it was all wrong for me.

I was fascinated by the idea of being in control and having men at my feet punishing them for the fun of it. I figured that Dommes were superhuman goddesses who had a special power that made men weak. I wanted that. After years of feeling powerless when it came to men, I wanted to grow stronger. I wanted to be that woman who offered the punishment instead of being the recipient from the abusive men I often attracted.

When I happened upon the BDSM community I was super excited and glad to finally meet women who could help me to become the woman I always wished I was. I interacted with them. I asked questions. I listen to their stories. I saw them in action. I saw that these women were attached to men who were submissive and willing to serve them. These men longed to be controlled. They delighted themselves in their service and devotion to the woman who controlled and led them.

They also loved to be punished, humiliated and penetrated anally. That part, I wasn’t so certain about. While I learned that not EVERY submissive man wants the same things, for the most part, the men I met did not find my laid back personality pleasing at all. They wanted true dominance, by the letter with a promise of punishment if they didn’t obey. I’m not into that.

A Pro Domme is a woman that men pay to punish them or offer them their kinks. I’m not into fulfilling requests made by men. I realized that I couldn’t do that either.

Where do I fit into the BDSM world?

The answer is simple, I don’t. Not in the most common sense. I am not a Domme. I don’t demand things from people and I don’t delight myself in controlling others or having them meet my needs. I am not a submissive person either. I delight myself in teaching others how to care for themselves and I do care for them, I just can not follow anyone blindly because no one I have ever met can lead me to where I am planning to go.

RELATED: Am I A Submissive?

I’m still kinky. Yes, I do have these sexual urges and desires that are outside of the silly concept of what society deems to be ‘normal’. But, I don’t have the patience or the desire to cultivate a relationship with anyone so all of my kinky desires will have to remain fantasies. The basis of  BDSM is a relationship. You can’t ‘play’ by yourself.

And I don’t want to play with anyone. I don’t trust anyone enough to open up and allow them to get close to me.

The crazy and beautiful part of being a part of the BDSM community is, once you join and open your eyes to the mayhem of kink and the celebration of abnormality, you are never the same again. It is the only place where you can whisper your secret desires out loud and have someone say, “Yes, I like that too.”

The BDSM community is a place for healing. I discovered that place within myself I thought was weird wasn’t so weird after all.

I’m not certain where I’ll go next, but I’m glad I went there.

 

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