I miss personal blogging. I was a blogger BEFORE blogging was cool. I started my blog after stumbling across one and I said to myself, “Hey, this is what I have already been doing with my Email list.” Yup. I had an email list of people and I would write daily updates to them about what was going on in my life or my head and they enjoyed it.
It was 2003 when I started my first blog. I felt like I was writing in an online diary. I was pretty sure no one was going to read it so I would sit down and tell stories like I was talking to my bestfriend. It felt GREAT! I played around with the template, learned some html and found out that there was a way to allow people who read it, to comment. Comments? Interesting. I added the code and before I knew it, I had my first comment. I was so shocked I replied to the comment and asked how they found my blog. LOL
I wrote so hard on that thing. It was my biggest confidante. Even after I began clearing hundreds of readers per day I continued to write as though no one would read it. I wrote about my hopes after graduating from college, my daily life with my two sons who were toddlers and my dream of becoming a writer one day. I wrote a lot about dating misadventures and all of the drama with my Baby Daddy.
It was my primary outlet for releasing my emotions and I miss that. I miss being able to be transparent. I miss the feeling I used to get after I wrote, it felt like going to the bathroom. Niiice!
So I’ll try again. I think. With THIS particular blog I am trying my best to stay focused on creating useful content and I find that my REAL life, with all of its complexities may take away from the image people see when they think of me. I know you might think I’m super smart and successful and have it all together but if you keep reading you’ll see only ONE of those adjectives is true. Already I feel the calm tingles radiating through my body. It feels good to say what is on my mind completely free of planning or agenda. I just let go and whatever comes into my head comes out of my fingertips. You ready?
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So what is on my mind lately? Well, I think a lot about why the hell I am not seeing more money in my bank account. I know, at this very moment I have everything that I need but I am honestly certain that I’ve put in enough work to see some kind of progress in my financial situation. Damn! I hate getting that email- Courtesy Balance Notification.
What else? I think I’m gaining weight. It may be my period that is on its way but I feel like a monster. But today, when I got dressed to go to the store, I put on my gray tights, some sneakers and a form fitting black shirt and I looked in the mirror, swiped on some lipgloss and was like- DAYUM you are so fine! So I guess gaining a little weight doesn’t matter because for some reason I always think I’m the perfect size.
I miss my sons. For real. When I talk to them I always act like everything is normal and it’s not a big deal that I am in a state all the way across the country. I listen to their adventures in school and ask about their feelings. We talk. Well, my older son talks a lot more than my younger son does but hearing their voices make my day. I cry when I get off the phone. I never do it in front of them, not real tears of longing and sadness anyway. My Baby Daddy is still the same. ~shakes head~ No matter how much I try to appreciate him as a father, he’s still the same person that makes me so grateful that I do not have a man in my life. I don’t deserve that and listening to my friends moan and groan, I don’t ever want one.
But it would be nice to have a car though. I just don’t want one here in California. I want one when I go back to Miami. There’s nothing about Los Angeles that would make me want to stay here. There is absolutely no one here that I can have a real conversation with. I have met people I love and care for deeply, but there still isn’t anyone that I can have a real conversation with.
Most days I feel good as I’m marketing this blog, writing for other sites and reaching out to women for interviews. I feel like a big wig now that my picture is on the header but really- that picture is from 2011. I have lost weight since then and I don’t really look like that anymore.
You know what? I submitted to Huff Post women 3 days ago and I haven’t heard anything from them. I sent them a very saucy article that I knew would draw some raised eyebrows but I thought it was important. I’m wondering
why they haven’t posted it yet..
Anyway. I’ll go. Drink some water. Take some vitamin C. I’m allowing myself some time to fantasize about all the seafood I can eat, all the fresh clean pillows on my bed, all the cool summer breezes with a light rain and my boys coming in and jumping in the bed with me because it’s OUR house. That’s my biggest wish, you know, the wish you’re afraid to make out loud because you’re scared you might jinx it.