I held my full body weight against the door. I could hear him huffing and puffing on the other side, trying to get in. My hand managed to slip the latch into place and I was relieved for the added layer of protection. Who was he?
A fantasy. More of a nightmare I should say.
I sat up in my bed and looked around. I pulled my blanket tighter around me and shook my head. That same old feeling. That same old dream. It only comes when I dare to step outside of my comfort zone and spend time with a man. And that I did.
I met a young man the other day. I immediately slept with him because, what else are men good for? I didn’t mean to enjoy his company but he made me laugh and he seemed to be very intelligent. He actually seemed too good to be true with his positivity and connection with the Universe talk. I assumed he was just another guy pretending to be a good person so he can get what he wants.
When I told him he was too perfect he said, “Everyone says that. As though I can’t be a good friend to them for real. Everyone is afraid to love me because they think I am faking it and have an ulterior motive.”
I don’t THINK he has an ulterior motive. I know for a fact that he has one.
See, I have PTSD and men are my trigger. I am delusional. If I am in contact with a man for too long, I begin to get warning signals that I must flee or fight or else he will kill me. I can tell you when it started and I can tell you who helped this to grow but none of that really matters right now. What matters is I can only be connected to men for brief sexual flings, if it feels anything different from that, I will have to sabotage it or demonize it, hence my nightmares and overly sexualized interest in men.
I have a pattern of risky behavior, far more than the average woman. I will not only meet up with strange men for sexual trysts, I am also the type to move to a new city with nothing and knowing no one and figure out how to survive on my own. I’m not certain if both of these behaviors are toxic. I am certain that these behaviors are frowned upon by the large majority of people yet I find myself doing them again and again without abandon.
Do I want to die? Do I not have fears?
I do have fears. They aren’t normal. I don’t fear death. I don’t fear failure or losing everything. I don’t fear rejection, ridicule or abuse. My fear is more threatening than those low risks occurrences. I fear intimate connections with people, even platonic relationships. I develop fantasy relationships, idealizing qualities of men I admire. These fantasy relationships last for years and I become quite satisfied by them.
I understand on an intellectual level how being such a risk taker is dangerous yet many people admire me for my ability to face what they perceive to be fearful circumstances head on. The biggest difference between me and most others is, I am not afraid to lose.
Tonight I’m trying to reconcile with myself, sort of taking stock. I don’t judge myself for the danger I put myself in nor do I have a death wish. I live kind of blankly, existing in my environment, yet simultaneously disgusted and detached from it.
I have no faith in anything. I have no attachment to anything, except for my sons. I love my Mother and my sister but I know they have their own lives and paths and their lives are not greatly impacted by mine so much so that if I were to die, they could not live on.
Sometimes I think being so detached and unbothered by the complexicities of life is a hindrance. Sometimes I want to feel- something. I create my joy from eating delicious foods. I feel alive when I am helping to support women or offering guidance to my sons on how to handle situations. I feel accomplished when I receive a paycheck for my creative work. I have no need for applause or awards unless they are accompanied by a bigger paycheck.
I am not ruled by my desire for money, I simply take joy in creating income, the same way a gamer wants to get to the last level of their favorite game. It’s fun for me. How many different ways can I create income? How much can I create? How can I market myself? What messages can I share that will truly help women to be fearless in life?
I don’t know everything. I know a lot about some things. My perspective on life is that life is a playground but yes, there are bullies and even snipers on the monkey bars to remind me that my joys are not permanent.
I sometimes wish I was one of those happy go lucky people, those women who smile and laugh so easily and confidently that you wish you could walk in their shoes just for a day. I am constantly figuring out ways to sidestep debilitating situations and allowing myself to go through them just to figure out how to do it.
I know this probably doesn’t make sense because I don’t make sense to myself. Being aware of my flaws and inconsistencies makes me feel so strong. I don’t need anyone to throw my flaws in my face because I am well aware of them and accepting of them.
I navigate my life with full blown awareness that I am deeply flawed and I’m managing okay. The trick is to be aware that you are flawed yet, not see them as limitations. Understand that those things you wish you could change but have yet to, are not as big as you think. Turn those things that seem to be obstacles into accessories. You don’t have to eradicate them but you can learn to carry them with you and still get where you want to go.
Whatever happens to me, I know I created it. I did it to myself. If I did it to myself, I can handle the consequences and somehow transform them into something beneficial for me. This is what I’ve learned. This is what I teach.
That’s how I’m living.
Out loud. Slutty. Crazy. Delusional. Detached. Faithless. Brilliant. Scary. Creative. Bombshell.