I’ve been experiencing a sort of rebirth. This is a time in my life where I am opening myself up to being who I am without judging myself for it. I am very critical of myself but lately those harsh words are fading away as I decide that I don’t need to measure up to what I think I should be. I want to be free to be me, completely without thinking there is something wrong with me because I am not different and more like others.
One of the areas that I struggle in accepting is my disdain for social activities. I hate them and here’s why.
1. The feeling I get when I am about t0 enter into a social situation.
That feeling is called DREAD. I hate the anticipation of meeting a new group pf people or having to have small talk or random conversations with people because I am uninterested in pop culture, sex talk, discussing goals you will never attempt or complaining about life.
2. The feeling I get after I leave a social situation.
I always ask myself, “Why did I just waste my time doing that?” I usually learn nothing and I feel as though I could have spent that hour writing a new ebook or adding to my creative content portfolio instead of jabbering with people I know I”ll never talk to again. There’s no benefit. I honestly wish that I was invisible so that I won’t be invited to interact.
3. I have no social filter or graces.
When people were trained what is appropriate to say or not say during social situations, I must have been in the bathroom. I often say the most offensive and un lady like things simply because I do not know any better. I am unfiltered in my speech and my passions and people often feel as though I am judging them harshly when I share my opinions or insight. I don’t like making people feel badly but I also can’t change (or won’t change) who I am because I don’t want to so I stick to being by myself.
4. I don’t want to compromise.
Whenever you socialize, you have to compromise so much. You can’t go out to eat what you want to eat because the GROUP has to choose together. You end up doing things you don’t really like to do, like going to the club, because everyone wants to have a good time together. You end up going to restaurants you would never choose because you don’t want to be the one being the spoilsport all the time.
5. I don’t believe in the goodness in people.
From my experiences over the past few years, the more I meet people, the more I don’t want to meet any new people. People are only out to take advantage of you or hurt you in some way. Their purpose is to try to take as much as they can from you and to drag you down so they will feel more powerful and my life is simply better off not interacting with them.
6. I have more fun when I am alone.
When I go out to a restaurant and I am alone, I can eat at my own pace, eat what I want and think all of the thoughts that interest me. When I go out on the town, I only have to pay for myself, I only have to do what I want to do and I can come and go whenever I want to without having to babysit, encourage or support anyone else. There is no one demanding my cooperation or asking me for anything and I feel pure BLISS when I have a great night out by myself.
There’s nothing like going to an event alone, sitting by myself, not interacting with anyone and answering those stupid ass introductory questions like, “So what do you do?” as they try to figure out how they can use you, or “Are you single?” so they can try to figure out what it will take to fuck you. The worst questions I hate being asked are, “What’s your name? and “Would you like to meet up sometime?”
No. I don’t want to meet you, know you or be your friend. I am content to live and die alone and not accomplish any of my dreams. It does not make me happy to pretend I am excited to meet total strangers and the majority of people I have met due to circumstances beyond my control, I honestly look forward to never seeing them again.
I don’t know why I am like this and I often wonder if it will ever change but I am tired of hiding it and trying to be more pleasant.
7. I am not a pleasant person to be around.
I am morbid. I think about death often. I talk about death often. I am pessimistic. I don’t trust anyone. I don’t believe the best for this world. I believe everyone is out to hurt me so even if I decided to have a conversation with you, I do not want to ever meet any of your friends. I am content to die alone in the corner of a basement with no loved ones. I romanticize death because I am certain it has to be less confusing and frustrating than this life.
You can call me depressed or CRAZY if you want to but my goal is to never be GRACIOUS. To me, those people who are gracious are PRETENDING that they are humble or loving when they really want to be selfish but they have changed their behavior because they desire to project a particular persona so they will gain public approval.
I neither desire nor am I motivated by public approval. In fact, I understand that with the cycle of success comes intense public approval followed by being villified. I am content to live life below the radar, as a nobody and die with an unmarked grave. I’d rather have everyone dislike me than be phony for the cameras. I’d rather have no friends than live life with a fake smile.
I want to be a recluse one day, a healthy, weird, functioning recluse, one of those weird ladies that everyone on the block whispers about but no one knows for sure.
That idea comforts me. See, at least I’ll have lived my life MY WAY.