I have no religious beliefs. Education took that away. It showed me that there are so many different belief systems that I could never decide that one is the absolute truth and therefore I believe all truths are valid to the person who believes in it.
I pray, but not in the traditional way. I don’t pray for help. I pray that I can hear the still voice more clearly. Most of the time I make wishes and then look for evidence that they are coming true.
Like the other day, after I completely emptied out my bank account to pay for what I needed for the job fair, I needed money to buy my uniform for my new job and I decided that I could make enough in one day of standing in the hot sun asking for donations with the Homeless Voice. I went out there full of expectation and, I left at the end of the day with $7.
I couldn’t believe it. It was so awful I had to laugh. The people in the cars were smiling and waving but they wouldn’t roll down their windows and give anything. It was so horrible that I laughed and laughed. I understood that the universe wanted to show me another way, a way that is different from my own. So I trusted and said, “I’ll have what I need.”
That same evening, a random man at the shelter came up to me and asked, “Do you believe in God?”
I paused and then said, “Yes.”
“Here,” he said and handed me $10. I looked at him and thanked him and walked into the elevator.
$10 will get me a pack of black socks. Now all I need are a pair of black pants and a pair of non slip shoes. $40 is what I need. I know I’ll get it.
That evening I saw another man and I asked if he had some pants for me. 15 minutes later, he had TWO pairs of pants for me. I was elated.
Then today I went into Denny’s to do my paperwork and I still had no idea how I would get the money for the shoes and the belt.
The manager hands me a paper and says, “Order some shoes from shoes for crews and they’ll be here by the time you start next week.”
BINGO!
Now, all I need is a belt.
I’m not certain how this will all work out but I know that it will, it always does. My heart (goal) is to help a woman by paying one month of her rent and I want to do so by asking for donations and contributing from the money I make as a waitress.
But how can I do that AND pay my own bills? I am not certain.
Why do I always feel compelled to help? I really need to help myself. I can’t stay in the shelter forever. I want to move on from this but everytime I make a stride, I hear another nudging telling me to give more. I don’t have anything to give. I don’t understand this.
I long to leave here. I know it won’t be the most awesome trip if I had to travel across country by myself on faith yet I am daydreaming about finding a place where the people are intelligent and they love poetry and they talk mostly about IDEAS and taking action to improve their lives instead of criticizing other people and their life choices. I long to find a place where no one is trying to overcome past criminal history and drug addiction. I want to meet people who study metaphysics and eastern philosophy. I want to be taken to a yoga class even though I probably couldn’t stand to do all those exercises, but I really would like an invitation anyway.
I want to be exposed to new foods and new music and sit around with women with natural hair and sing praises to God for our lives. I want to be reminded of the things that are going WELL in the world instead of hearing complaints all the time.
~sigh~
I am always ready to go. No place has ever felt like home and that’s why it’s so easy for me to leave.