REBUILD: My Heart For Women

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Dear God.

There has to be a God because I was just blessed so much by the owner of this shelter. He came to me and told me that since the families moved out of the trailer in the back, that I could have it for myself.

I couldn’t believe it. This means quiet so that I can write my real thoughts and not just something thrown together so that I’ll have some content.

This means peace of mind.

I’m nervous.

I’m nervous because I suck at receiving gifts. I’m not a good receiver. I’m crying right now because I don’t feel like I deserve to have a trailor when there’s so much work to be done. I have 4 businesses now and I still need 26 more.

I don’t know why I’m like this. I feel like such a punk but I have such a heart for women yet I won’t ever allow myself to receive honor.

It’s easy to be a servant. I feel like that’s what I was made to do. Honestly, if I could be someone assistant, like to a King, I’d love that.

I love taking care of people and helping them with their day and making them look good so they can prosper.

I have such a heart for women, mainly because I love women. I feel like they should be treated like royalty and that for so many years they carried the burden of humanity yet, they are cast down as inferior by men.

How?

We are the mothers of the earth. We are the ones who raise up and train the men who lead. There is no good man unless there is a woman who trained him well.

Yet, from my own experience, there is no man who has treated a woman the way I feel she deserved to be treated. At least none that I’ve seen.

I want to do that.

I remember in counseling I was talking about my issues with men and my attraction to women. Yes, I am physically attracted to some women and I was trying to sort through my feelings with my counselor.

He asked me why I was attracted to them and I told him that I just am. My fantasy is to treat all women like precious gems and spoil them and take care of them, guide them and encourage them. I feel like that’s what women deserve.

He looked at me and said, “You just want to treat them that way because that is what YOU want to experience.”

He’s right.

We do tend to give what we hope to receive. I believe that on all levels. I give smiles, touches, understanding and hope because for so long I was without those things. I want those things in return.

But it’s so hard for me to accept help or praise or admiration and I believe that is because I know my potential and I feel like I haven’t reached it yet so I don’t deserve to be applauded for anything yet.

The thing is, no matter how much I achieve, I still don’t believe I reached my full potential so i never accept praise, at least not well.

I’ve been single for 9 years. This October will make 10. The reason is NOT because no one has ever loved me. The reason I am single for so long is, well, I won’t accept love. I don’t believe I deserve it. I believe love is for everyone else and not me.

So I give it and I give it and I give it because everyone should experience the bliss of someone loving who they are at the core, except for me.

Not trying to be depressing but that is just how I feel.

Everytime someone does something nice it makes me wonder what their motive is. When someone blesses me I feel like I have to pay them back.

I’m trying to get over it but I can’t, not yet.

Maybe soon.

But for now, in the midst of being homeless on purpose, for the good of women everywhere- I feel like it’s my obligation to take care of you. I don’t even know you and I love you. We haven’t even met and I want to spoil you.

I wish I could.

Maybe one day, soon.

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