Te-Erika’s Diary: LGBT (Q): The Q is for Questioning

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There’s an acronym that describes the community that participates in ‘alternative sexual preferences’ and that acronym is LGBT which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered.  Sometimes you’ll see that acronym with an additional letter, the letter Q, but more often than not it is missing.  It is missing because even among the LGBT community being undecided about your sexual preference will raise some eyebrows as those who ‘know’ want you to decide if you’re in or if you’re out.

Are you with us or not?

The Q is for Questioning. Sure, some people may say it stands for Queer, but I don’t buy that. Queer means gay and that is redundant. The Q is for questioning and it really belongs there as a symbol for everyone because we are all second guessing ourselves.

How could I, a grown up 30 year old woman with TWO KIDS, finally realize that I am attracted to women as an adult? I have two kids; it’s obvious that I like penis. So, what was really happening that life shifting day when SHE walked into my job.

SHE, who shall remain nameless, made me stop dead in my tracks and my mouth fell open. Never before have I ever seen any person that made me feel like that. Never before have I ever felt so confused, so drawn, so amazed by someone’s beauty.  I wanted her. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be best friends with her. I wanted to hold hands with her. I wanted to touch her.  I wanted to protect her. I didn’t know what to do with that.

“But I don’t like girls,” I had said to myself and countless others who were all convinced I was gay and weren’t afraid to tell me. How could I be gay if I’ve never liked a girl? I didn’t like girls. I didn’t like them. Not at all.

Until SHE walked in and my world spun around and I spent the next 3 months beating myself up, degrading myself for being attracted to a woman, hating the fact that I was now questioning what I once knew as fact. I don’t like girls.

Yes I do. I like a girl.

How did this happen? Why did this happen? How can I make it stop? What will my kids say? Would a girl ever like me back?  Is this the reason why so many men had tried to catch my attention but I couldn’t allow it to linger? No, this is about the abuse. This is about the men in my life who tried to steal my shine and convince me that my heart wasn’t gold by degrading me every chance they got. I only like girls because I hate men.

But no, that can’t be it.  That’s not it. That feeling was real. I have never experienced anything like that. What is it? Why won’t it stop? When will this go away? This hurts. I just want to be normal. What can I do about it? What will my parents say? What’s wrong with me?

The Q is for Questioning. And I asked myself every question in the book. I faced my fear and started dating women after SHE rejected me because I wasn’t pretty enough.  Was this a fluke? Could it happen again? Will that feeling of magic intoxication ever happen again?

It did.

And she was more beautiful than the first SHE, or so I thought. We met online and would spend hours and hours on the phone just like a best friend would, but with attraction. Her pictures were awesome but there was a catch, she never wanted to meet in person- CATFISH.

More dates. More questions. Is this a dream? Why is this happening? Who is doing this? Who can stop it? Why do I feel so out of control? Why does it feel so good to walk hand in hand with her? Why does this feel like heaven? Why does this feel so right? Why won’t this stop? Why don’t I want it to?

And then the questions stopped.

I decided that I don’t have to have an answer. I can do what I want. I can like who I like. I peeled off the letter Q and accepted the B; I’m bi sexual. I’ll allow myself to be guided by this magic feeling of attraction and I won’t have to question- anymore.

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One Response

  1. D-South1 February 9, 2013

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