Miss Jaiya is a Somatic Sexologist who coaches women through a sexual transformation. She helps women to step out of the cloak of sex shaming and into an awareness and celebration of their sexual natures. During this interview I have the chance to ask questions about shaming, the sexual evolution and a personal question about my own sexual hangups. ~Te-Erika
MSS: Let’s talk about women and sex. We are so often unable to discuss this publicly. Can you tell me about your background and upbringing that has triggered this kind of openness? Who influenced you? How? Have you ever had any hesitation about being sexual and discussing these things openly?
Jaiya: We all have experienced shaming around our sexuality and eroticism. Women have historically been more shamed than men. The Victorian Era was a time when women were thought to be “angelic” and “pure” and thus not at all interested in sex or sexual desire. Women were taught to have sex only a few times a year and only to please their husbands. They were not supposed to talk about sex, think about sex, or especially desire sex. Even the parts of our anatomy that were responsible for pleasure were taken out of the medical books, leaving only our reproductive organs.
Curiously this was also a time when HYSTERIA came about and doctors created vibrators to treat this condition. I believe that women have blocks about discussing sexuality and really experiencing their eroticism because of past cultural beliefs, religious/moral codes, and the many myths surrounding our erotic lives. These things have lodged deep into our subconscious holding us back from experiencing sexual ecstasy that is our birthright.
I believe that sometimes, just like someone is gifted in music or accounting, there are people gifted in the erotic. I think I am one of the erotically gifted! That doesn’t mean that I have a history without shame. I was brought up catholic, with tons of shame about sexuality and guilt layered on top of that for feeling desire. I was once even beat with a fly swatter by my grandmother when she found me playing “I’ll show you mine, you show me yours” with a neighborhood boy. Talk about shame, I had deep layers of it from my religion, from my grandmother, from my father! I don’t what compelled me to push through all of this, other once I discovered my erotic ecstasy I was called to help other’s unleash it.
My mom was fairly open about sex, which was helpful. Parents are always teaching their children about sex, even if they aren’t talking about it. Silence can speak volumes. Where my dad constantly talked threats about getting “swell bellied”, my mom on the other hand was more open and free in many areas. (She actually works for me right now). Of course I still felt shame in talking about sex with my parents. On the other hand I was always the one teaching my friends about sex, so I guess I didn’t have that much shame when it came to talking about it.
Another big turning point was when I went for a job interview at a holistic health center. The woman interviewing me read over my application and told me that I was a mess. There was no way she would hire me until I cleaned up my own health. At the time I have irritable bowel syndrome and endometriosis, which is holistic medicine can be tied to sexual issues.She told me to start belly dancing or to go to some Tantric sex classes to heal my sexuality. After sobbing in the car for a few hours I wandered into a bookstore. There on the wall was a flyer for a Tantra class. I called and signed up right away. Tantra was one key to overcoming a deep layer of shame that I had held onto my entire life.
Shames comes in layers. I think that I have gotten past something major and underneath that, there is more shame. Tantra ended up being a place where I still hid unconscious shame. Sex was okay as long as it was tied to a spiritual practice. I was still harboring shame in regards to sex as something purely for pleasure. I’ve worked past this. Currently, I am working on a book about Kink. It’s bringing up a whole new world of stuff and I am certainly pushing my edges both psychologically and physically.
MSS: Do you have a central message that you want to share with women concerning their attitudes toward sex and love?
Jaiya: Openness and acceptance for both yourself and your partner. Everyone is afraid to be seen for who they really are. If you can be open to seeing your partner or a new potential love interest for who they really are and not who you are projecting onto them to be, then you are way ahead of the game. Then if you can fully and honestly accept them they will be yours in heart and body.
MSS: You often counsel and coach women toward a healthier idea of sex and relationships. I’ll use myself as a case sample. Please tell me what you would say to me if I told you this story. — I enjoy sex minimally. I was very promiscuous at one point but have since dwindled down to having sex maybe twice a year. I don’t regret this as I rarely find sex to be enjoyable. Sometimes the penetration part is okay but outside of that, the interactions before and after leads me to regret these trysts and I only have one night stands. I am bi sexual, which means I have a love and sexual attraction for women but I have never been in a loving relationship with a man or a woman in my entire life and I have two children. What do you think is going on?
Jaiya: In this case the first thing I would look for is what is holding your back from experiencing a loving relationship. The thing missing from your eroticism is love. Sex is mechanical and not enjoyable for you because you have not experienced deep love connection and bonding with someone over time. I would invite you start a solo-pleasure journey to discover more about own eroticism as opposed to just have sex. There is a big difference between the two. I would even advise practicing solo-sex only or celibacy until you find a bio-chemical match with someone, meaning that the chemistry between you is exploding, meaning you feel a deep connection and love with the other person or yourself.
4 Things Women Need To Understand About Sexuality That Society Doesn’t Bother to Explain
1.You Are Normal
We are always worried that we are the ones who are abnormal; abnormal in our thinking, abnormal in the way our genitals or bodies look, abnormal for our desires. I can tell you after years of seeing many varieties of genitals, and working with many erotic preferences that there is supposed to be a wide range of variation. Just like we all have faces or fingerprints, your genitals and your erotic core are all unique.
There is a trend happening now of women getting “vaginal rejuvenation”. The most common surgery being labiaplasty where they cut the inner labia to give that clamshell appearance. The thing is that labia variation is normal – we are not supposed to look like the “Stepford vulvas”.
2. You Have Permission To Have Desire
We have been taught that having sexual desire is wrong or bad. Women often debase other womenfor their desires. Sometimes other women shame women more than society does, and this has to stop. It is natural and normal to have sexual desires and fantasies. I give you permission to own that desire and even speak your desires to your lover. It is also time that we start giving each other permission to have desire, to talk about our desires, and to end the shaming of each other.
3. Understanding Sexual Wiring
Society places a lot of stereo types on men and women. All men want sex. Women don’t. That is a common theme. But there is nothing further from the truth. We all have different wiring. I have found 3 main types in my work with clients. The first is the least understood, especially for men who are wired this way. I call it ENERGETIC wiring. It essentially means that you are very sensitive to the emotions of your partner. You can feel when something is wrong even if it isn’t spoken.
You would rather sit in the anticipation of sex, perhaps not touching, but eye gazing or breathing together. The second I call SENSUAL. Sensual types need to have stimulation of the senses and the romantic to be fully turned on. They need candlelight, wonderful smells, and lots of foreplay. The third type of wiring is what I call EROTIC or SEXUAL. This type is more of your standard wiring. They are ready to be genitally focused, ready for intercourse, and love the trajectory straight for the release of orgasm. Of course you can be a combination of all of these and even learn how to play in each realm. What is important here is understanding where you are and then where you partner is. Then the two of you can dance more effectively when it comes to making love.
4- Sexuality Changes
We have been taught that our sexuality is static, something that should always be like it was in our late teens or early twenties. The truth is that there are many stages or states of sexuality. These include: Resting, Healing, Curious, Adventurous and Transformative. It is not that one state is better than another, it simply means that you are where you are and you can choose to change that or be where you are. It is important to acknowledge that it is okay to rest, okay to heal, okay to be adventurous and so on. It is even normal to move through major changes in our sexuality – after childbirth, during menopause, after a big break-up. Have compassion for yourself and be gentle on yourself as you move through various states.
To learn more about Miss Jaiya visit her website MissJaiya.Com